Translate Request has too much data
Parameter name: request
As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we're spotlighting a different stepfamily to learn how they successfully blended their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life!
This Friday, we'd like to introduce you to Tobias and Raiye's family. Raiye, who blogs about blended family life at The New Normal, admits that "becoming a family has meant lots of baby steps." Below, she shares how she and her husband have banded together to help their kids adjust to blended family life.
Hi, Raiye! Please introduce us to your family.
We call ourselves The Homewood 7 on gift tags. There's me and my husband, Tobias, and our kids: Reilly, 15 (in 5 weeks!); Jared, 14; Phaedra, 12; Max, 10; and Dylan, who's 10.
How did you and Tobias meet?
Tobias and I graduated high school together in 1993 but we didn't really know each other then. We became friends on Facebook many years later, lost touch for a while and then reconnected while going through our divorces. I finally admitted I liked him in the fall of 2010. We were married October 27, 2012 at a costume party wedding at our new home, underneath a huge tree dripping with golden leaves.
What has been the hardest thing about blending your two families?
There was resistance from time to time for all of the children. They still mourned the breakup of their families of origin. Reilly, my eldest, had the worst time with it and I remember her crying at our wedding, begging me not to do this. It tugged my heartstrings but I married Tobias anyway, knowing in my heart that whether it was that day, next year, or 10 years into the future, she, and any of the rest of the kids who had doubts, would come around. They did.
What's been the best thing about being part of a stepfamily like yours?
The best thing about being in a blended family has been watching the kids laugh and goof around together. One time, we were telling them about Costa Rica and how they have howler monkeys there. We looked up some videos of howler monkeys and the kids ran around for weeks making the howler monkey sound and doing the "Bernie dance." The frequency of laughter in our home is my primary indicator of whether or not we're doing this right. Needless to say, we try to make sure we're laughing a lot.
What makes you proudest of your family?
The kids love to camp out in the backyard and one particular moment stands out. We hadn't had a chance to do that in our new home until earlier this summer. The first night we had together, it was supposed to rain. The kids got creative and created a tent city in the backyard with the patio umbrella, a ladder and a big tarp, and then brought out mattresses and futon cushions to create an enormous bed underneath. We had a fire in the pit, the kids roasted marshmallows and sang campfire songs, and then we snuggled into our sleeping bags to watch a movie while the rain gently pattered above our heads. Watching them create this entire evening of their own accord made my heart swell with pride. They could have chosen to do any number of things, alone or in smaller groups, but the fact was, they wanted to do this all together.
Lastly, what's your advice for parents who are struggling to keep the peace within their stepfamilies?
I have a few pointers: First, remember "this, too, shall pass." The good, the bad, the ugly -- don't get too attached to any one feeling. Also, use a chore chart, for the love of all that's good in the world. Seriously, it changed everything. (See the slideshow below for a photo of the chore chart.)
Click through the slideshow below the see photos of Raiye and Tobias's family.
If you'd like your own family to be featured on a Blended Family Friday, please email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com. We're looking forward to hearing your story!
Loading Slideshow
Our first family portrait, April 2012
Raiye and Tobias at their costume party wedding, October 27, 2012. Tobias was a satyr and Raiye was a wood nymph.
Our chore chart, March 2012
Goofing around with Great Grandma Jeri, July 2013
Tobias and Reilly after her black belt ceremony, June 2013
A trip to the apple orchard, September 2011
"Some of our kids have all their parents looking out for their best interests, and some of our kids have a biological father or mother who gives them no emotional or financial support. Everyone comes from a different place, and carries different hurts. Our job as their parents is to love them through all of that, and to provide consistent boundaries no matter what." Read Andi and JD's full Blended Family Friday profile
"The love is the best part. There is so much love in our family; it is breathtaking. Holding the love of a child that you did not create is an amazing thing to experience. Both of us agree we could not love each other’s biological children more. " Read Kate and Chad's full Blended Family Friday profile
"I'm proud that we all made a conscious effort to put our differences aside, forgive what happened in the past and commit to raising a child who feels 'whole.' It has never been about what I want or what he wants as much as what is best for our daughter." Read Pam, Mac and Tony's full Blended Family Friday profile
"It takes a lot of work but it's worth it. Every hug proves you are doing something right! Every laugh shows there is joy in the family. And every time someone wants to hold your hand or sit with you on the couch, you are building your connection to each other." Read Matt and Nicole's full Blended Family Friday profile
"The 'blending' will test the bounds of your compassion, but you want to come out of this feeling like you did the very best that you could. You are helping the children to write the story of their lives. You want it to be as positive as possible." Read Meg and Jeritt's full Blended Family Friday profile
"My advice would be to take a few steps back, try to think outside of the box and look at the potential for minimal drama and maximum happiness for your family, especially for the children involved. Sometimes you need to look past yourself, and be very selfless." Read Clarissa, Keith and Rick's full Blended Family Friday profile
"If you can envision two trees so close together that their trunks and branches touch one another, you will see the connection but still see two trees. Blended families are like the two trees. The outside world sees two trees while the family strives to make it one by intertwining the roots, by nurturing it." Read Ivy Lifton's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Make your marriage your top priority. This is a new marriage and it needs time and energy and nurturing. If you ignore it, it will fail and you have already done that once to your children and do not want to do it again." Read Meet Michele and Barry's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Do your best to be respectful to the other parent and always keep your word or promises to the kids. They're struggling with the loss of their family and they need to build trust with you as their stepparent." Read Meet Katie and Kurt's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Give it time! We have only recently arrived at a place where we all feel secure in our role in our family but it took years, tears and lots of flexibility. It might take one family a few months to have the wrinkles ironed out or it might take years." Read Meet Kara and Richard's full Blended Family Friday profile
"When Joe and I first blended our family, our six kids were our number-one priority. Treating our kids like individuals and not as a 'herd,' as we called it, was a key component to making each of our kids feel special and feel like an important part of the family, which they were." Read Harriet and Joe's full Blended Family Friday profile
"My husband and I refuse to treat any of the children any differently. We see them all as 'ours,' which I think is very important. We try to make sure all children feel equal and included in our family and our lives." Read Chelsea and Jeremy's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Our children have really become true siblings. They love (and hate) one another just like regular siblings. They have taken a tough situation and made it into something beautiful." Read Maureen and Tom's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Both of my dad's exes and all the kids lived under one roof. My brothers and I were raised as siblings -- not half siblings but just siblings -- and we had two moms (although Goonie and Mikey call my mom auntie). On the weekends, dad only had to make one stop to pick up all his kids!" Read Stacee's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Do not beat yourself up for making a mistake -- after all, we are human. Just love one another and be there for the kids especially when they push away -- that is when they need and want you the most." Read Anessa and Keith's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Our children are all grown and out on their own, but when we get together there is no greater feeling. Sitting around a table and watching our adult children interact with each other is the best part of having a blended family. They look out for each other; in fact, sometimes we joke that they know more about each other than we do." Read Wendy and Arlando's full Blended Family Friday profile
"My stepkids have realized over the years how blessed they are to have a family situation where there is peace between their parents, where we all live within the same community and school district and where there is genuine love for all of the kids." Read Samara and Jeff's full Blended Family Friday profile
"The kids are really the ones who wanted us to get married. I think they need to feel like this is forever. Recently, Jake, Peter's son, told me he wants my son Jamie to be his best man someday. I get teary thinking about it." Read Susan and Peter's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Think of a blended family as being made or 'cooked' in a crock pot, not a pressure cooker. Each person has to find their comfort level and will do so on their own time. Be willing to give your biological children your blessing to love their other parent and spouse." Read Amy and Eric's full Blended Family Friday profile
"My advice to anyone working on blending a family is to always put the child first. Never, ever, say a negative word about your ex in front of your child. Be flexible and patient. It takes time. Always remember when the kids are acting out it's because they are hurting. Take a deep breath and think of a way to lift them up." Read Mimi and Stu's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Finding time to love and pay attention to everyone as they need is the biggest challenge. Some days there isn't enough of me, but it's fun feeding, clothing and loving all these people. They make me crazy, but I like it!" Read Valerie and Brandon's full Blended Family Friday profile
"The best thing about being a part of a blended family is being able to show the children what a real, loving marriage and family looks like ... The lessons that they learn though the adjustment and the tough times are good ones. They see that two people who love each other can weather the storm of life and stay together." Read Jen and Ryan's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Let kids be kids. Don't expect too much of them. Don't push new family members on each other but work hard to find in each a common interest and build on it. Our two girls bonded over the new 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' series and spent hours collecting gear and acting out each of the characters." Read Nicole and Nick's full Blended Family Friday profile
"We feel fortunate to show [our kids] what a healthy, loving partnership looks like. No one goes into marriage thinking they will be divorced one day. It is even more painful when there are children involved. The best thing, we believe, we could do is show our children that it is possible to be in a loving, stable relationship built on mutual trust and respect." Read Crissy and Jimmy's full Blended Family Friday profile
"Every blended family has a different make-up of people and personalities and paths they have to take to arrive at the door to success. I've chosen to take one day, (and sometimes one glass of wine) at a time and here we are six years later." Read Karen and Shawn's full Blended Family Friday profile
"We are proudest of the fact that we are a family -- blended or not. When one has an event (swimming, lacrosse, dance, band) we all show up. It's not always possible to be everywhere for everything, but we show up for each other and everyone knows they are important." Read Elizabeth and Donald's full Blended Family Friday profile
Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter.
Subscribe
Aucun commentaire:
Enregistrer un commentaire