Karen Fratti: 'True Blood' Recap: The Most Hysterical Season Yet

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 6, Episode 4 of HBO's "True Blood," titled :At Last."

I may not be able to catch character names right away, but I'll be darned if I didn't have a feeling about Ben.

That's right. He revives Jason with his blood after the showdown from last week, without Sookie or Niall being the wiser. But we knew. Sookie knows. And Jason feels it. After an erotic shaving dream, Jason is a bit weirded out, much like all of us were judging by Twitter. After his post-workout snooze, he storms into the kitchen for some breakfast like Cosmo Kramer to Niall's Jerry. They put two and two together. Ben is Warlow, and he's half vamp and half fairy.

(Source: Gifbin)

That's why Bill was able to talk to Lilith in the sunlight. This is the future.

Or so we're led to think. Instead of spilling, Ben glamours Jason, bidding him to return to his normal, old self. Of course, Jason obliges. Niall's not so lucky. After sinking his teeth in, Ben officially comes out as Warlow to Niall, just before throwing the fairy king back through the portal on the bridge. He manages to make it to Sookie's fried chicken dinner just in time for the silver poison she put into that tasty looking slaw to really sink in. Ben-low wants to make little fairy babies -- and who can blame him with Sook in that little white dress? -- but she's ahead of the game.

Speaking of perfect white dresses, Eric finds Willa in her "Interview With a Vampire" nightgown and turns her. You can't say she didn't ask for it. Every other just-turned fanger wants to go home, but can't. Not Willa. Eric sends her packing to try to convince Daddy Burrell that vamps were people, too. He might have bought it, but Sarah Newlin is there to shoot her down and demand she be taken to the camps. This is interesting only because Nora was taken in by the anti-vamp SWAT team from Sookie's lawn. They got Pam, too. I was counting on her to get me through this season with her one liners, but this should give us hope. All of Eric's ladies will be in one place now. Cue the viking.

Andy's girls are all together as well, albeit in more dire straits. I thought those fairy babies were going to be nothing but comedic relief, but I was wrong (again). They turn into horrid little teenagers and raid Arlene's closet for a night on the town. Like Mama always said, nothing good happens after midnight, especially when you're buying cases of Natty Light. Jess lures them to Bill's place to party, where he proceeds to gank their blood and give it to the good scientist downstairs. While the Tru-Blood guru balks about the impossibility of synthesizing fairy blood because it mutates too quickly, the babysitting gig is getting too much for Jess. They complain that Bill's a creep (preach it!), try to leave, and Jess flips like a rabid dog. She sucks them dry and Bill is not happy about it. But they aren't dead, right? I thought fairies disintegrated.

And, of course, Sam and the VUS girl make out in a dingy motel room after he shifts into a steed and sends Emma with Lafayette, which is a good decision, because LaLa has a first aid kit in his car.

I know we all miss simpler days, hotter vampire sex, and Richard Edgington, but this season is hysterical so far. Jason and Andy are back on the same team, Eric's got his smirk back, and Sookie's on her way to kicking butt. My only complaint? Where's Alcide? And can we see him without having to deal with Sam?

"True Blood" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.

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Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse

Carrie Preston as Arlene Fowler and Todd Lowe as Terry Bellefleur

Alexander Skarsgård as Eric Northman

Sam Trammell as Sam Merlotte

Michael McMillian as Steve Newlin

Rutger Hauer as Niall Brigant

Kelly Overton as Rikki Naylor

Deborah Ann Woll as Jessica Hamby

Lauren Bowles as Holly Cleary and Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur

Joe Manganiello as Alcide Herveaux

Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton

Arliss Howard as Governor Truman Burrell

Amelia Rose Blaire as Willa Burrell

Kristin Bauer van Straten as Pam Swynford de Beaufort

Jurnee Smollett-Bell as Nicole Wright

Rob Kazinsky as Ben Flynn

Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse

Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse and Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse

Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette Reynolds

Stephen Moyer as Bill Compton

Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton, Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse and Lucy Griffiths as Nora Gainsborough

Alexander Skarsgård as Eric Northman and Kristin Bauer van Straten as Pam Swynford de Beaufort

Follow Karen Fratti on Twitter: www.twitter.com/karenfratti

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Sydney Levin: 'Real Housewives Of New Jersey' Recap: The Ultimate Backstabbing Friend

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 5, Episode 6 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives Of New Jersey," titled "Drinking With the Enemy."

When there's too much testosterone on the home front for Kathy, she now has a place to hide: her test kitchen. As she stomps around inside, blenders all a twirl, Jacqueline and Caroline come by to check on Chef Boy, They Don't Call 'Em Mom Jeans for Nothing. (For anyone who hasn't watched the episode yet, I'm referring to how Kathy's pants are so high, they're going to be the first ones to want a cannoli.)

Ever-positive Caroline walks in, takes a quick look at how happy Kathy is and says, "What's the negative?" In her interview, she informs us that it's "totally off the beaten path, like scary." The green-eyed monster is especially unbecoming on a redhead.

Speaking of red, in walks Rosie, ready to talk about her heated talk with Teresa. "Look at this!" she says, thrusting her swollen hand in their stunned faces. She brings up the retreat, or, as Jacqueline aptly puts it, the "Gates of Hell." Nobody else wants to be part of it either, and somehow, they all overlook the fact that Rosie is obviously in need of some serious anger management and boxing classes. The next time she throws a punch, perhaps she can be a little more relaxed and have much better form.

Back at Teresa's house, the family suits up in Fabulicious aprons ... well, everyone except Gia. She hates hers because, according to Teresa, she's going through puberty. "That means she's having a BABY?!" Milania, the sage of the family, yells. Rather than use it as a teachable moment, Joe decides to school her his way: by telling her to shut up.

Then, the doorbell rings. Teresa's mom and dad are here, so reproductive issues are set aside for the time being. Her dad looks nice and strong though apparently, he's not out of the woods. During this scene of familial bliss, it's a perfect time for Bravo to roll the Giudice Family Video Reel. It includes their greatest hit: a hysterical Joe Gorga squealing like a goat trying to impersonate Taylor Swift.

Meanwhile, said squealer is out shooting golf balls with Kathy's husband Rich, a.k.a. the Lebanese Jeff Goldblum. "When I'm frustrated with my sister, usually I have sex with my wife," Joe explains, triggering gag reflexes of women across America. Really, there's no way he could say anything more unintentionally perverse could he? "But if you have a set of balls, you could blow it off." Yep. That all happened.

In keeping with the "family that is phallic together stays together" theme of the night, we head back to Teresa's home, where she's getting to third base with some homemade sausage as her father watches. Since his expression never changes, I can't tell if he's horrified or just highly medicated. He actually seems like a very sweet man, and Teresa's devotion to him is evident and very touching. This moment of kindness goes down in a room where sausage hangs from the rafters, and I'm suddenly very nervous for Moo Shu, the pig Caroline's sister brought in a few weeks ago. Has anyone heard from him?

Over at the driving range, Joe's phone rings. It's Teresa, who quickly realizes that since Joe has no clue what a retreat is, she'll have to spell it out for him. It's like the blind leading the overly-sexed blind. She explains there will be "trusting exercises," which technically means activities that really believe in each other, but I'll let that go. "As much as I wanna say no, I'll give it a shot," he says to Rich. Still, he needs to check in with Melissa before saying yes.

Speaking of Melissa, it's time for a window into her world. She's just having a normal, post-hair and makeup lunch with her gal pals Judas -- sorry, I mean Jan -- and Maria. (You'll get that brilliant reference later.) "I just got a really great book deal," she says happily. When she informs them that it's called, "Love, Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage," her pals don't crack a smile. It seems like they've been privy to some secrets ... and judging from their dour expressions, there probably wasn't anything hot or happy about them.

As Melissa takes women's lib back about 60 years ("I don't think women understand that it's very easy to stay home with the kids, but you need to look decent ... you need to keep your husband interested"), her pals shoot each other horrified looks. She's totally unfazed, immediately moving into the part of the convo where she calls her sister-in-law a pathological liar and accuses her of being congratulatory on Twitter and a critic in real life.

Anyway, let's give Susan B. Anthony a quick second to roll over in her grave without mussing up her 'do. What's Jacqueline up to, you ask? Now, I know Jacqueline's been dealing with a lot, but I think we can all agree that "trouble on the home front" is never an excuse for wearing a chunky-knit poncho. She and her over-the-shoulder abomination hit up Robin's Closet for some shopping with Kathy, who isn't much of a fashionista herself. (There's just no room on her fashion plate for anything but cannolis.)

As they search the racks, Teresa calls Kathy. Normally, nobody ever uses speaker phone in a public place -- but since the only "real" part of "reality TV" is those four letters, Teresa's voice is suddenly booming across the store. Teresa brings up the retreat ... and then secret instigator Kathy casually asks if Jacqueline and Caroline are invited. Yes, Teresa must lie in her bed for saying, "I'm kind of in this mess with my brother because of Jacqueline," but Kathy's the one who made it for her. She practically added a crazy-flavored pillow mint and tucked her in.

With that, Jacqueline grabs the phone in a fit of rage. As they bitch each other out, Kathy gets flustered. "I'm going to leave," she says as she gazes at some clothes and doesn't budge. "LA LA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA LA LA," Teresa says faintly in the background, finally cracking under the pressure of life with the IQ of a bag of hair. "I'm actually very concerned about you because you are not acting normal," Jacqueline says gleefully from where she's inexplicably squatting on the floor. Finally, someone who makes her feel sane again! Now, the entire store is staring at them -- and not because Jacqueline is still wearing some sort of purple-and-black brocade number that I wouldn't upholster my worst enemy in.

Now, Teresa's cursing at Kathy and calling her a troublemaker, so they're both down crap creek without a fabulicious paddle.

That night, Teresa puts her anger aside, pulls on her fringed moccasin boots and heads out to dinner with her "real" social circle. They consists of Jan (remember her? She was Melissa's friend/bridesmaid/they just had lunch together like, two commercials ago) Penny, Kim D. and Jennifer, a woman who looks like the outcome of an experiment to cross humans with pugs. Jan says she's no longer friends with Melissa because she got too big for her britches ... and because she allegedly "blew" an ex-boyfriend while married. Teresa's stunned that Jan's being such a backstabber, and she makes a feeble attempt to put an end to the shit talking. "If it's the truth, everyone should know," Kim D. says viciously, foreshadowing events to come, I'm sure. Through all this, pug woman says nothing, which is a bummer because I wanted to experience barking with a Jersey accent

... And if you think that sounds sexy, you should see Melissa and Kathy (plus hubbies) at a pole dancing class. Well, technically, it's just Melissa trying to seduce everyone while Kathy looks on horrified, and Rich looks on, delighted.

Finally, Kathy gives in, throws on an oversized men's shirt ... and freaks out. "Sexy's in your head," she says in her interview. "That's why men cheat, 'cause their wives don't want to do the fun stuff," Rich says. Kathy ignores that, while Joe Gorga throws himself on the floor and starts to have some sort of seizure. Through it all, Melissa's actually talking to the pole, telling it, "You and I supposedly know each other. You should be so lucky." In short, they are all completely insane (except Kathy, who just suffers from the painful combo of low self-esteem and loser husband).

Speaking of strange marriages, what's with Caroline and Albert? I don't think I ever realized that things were a bit strained until their meal together this episode. She stresses that they are strong decades later is because they spent so much time apart at the start. Her smile says she believes the adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder," but something in her eyes is sad. When she says they'll be staying in Hoboken that night, Albert isn't amused. "I'm asking you to enjoy this phase of life," she half-begs.

Now that the kids are out of the picture and she has time to hang with her husband, she fears she doesn't recognize the man she married. Then, they engage in awkward banter about who would remarry faster if the other died. The verdict? Albert, and most likely to a 22-year-old. All together, it's a strange dinner ... and it makes me realize we might not really know the "Housewife" we've been watching all these years, either.

Melissa, desperate as ever to convince us that hers is a perfect marriage, is praising Joe for being a "big black stallion" the night before. Before she can get any more graphic, the rest of the cast (minus Teresa and Joe, plus Rosie) comes over for brunch ... and hopefully doesn't touch any surfaces.

When the retreat comes up, Rosie encourages everyone to go. "It's a big ass castle in Lake George," Rosie explains, up in the "Adirondyke" mountains. Since nobody corrects her (it's Adirondack), I assume it's just a pretty awesome Freudian slip. Actually, that would be a pretty amazing name for a back woods lesbian bar.

Everyone seems to be on board (with the trip, not my brilliant idea for a watering hole) minus Jacquline. "I don't want to resolve things with Teresa," she explains. "She's not my blood."

Apparently not full from brunch, Melissa heads over to meet the human pug (Jennifer) for lunch. Now I realize why she looked so familiar! No, I didn't see her at the dog park last week -- she was that realtor brat who came to Melissa's house and basically told her it was total crap a few weeks ago.

Either way, she's got more on her agenda than just enjoying a nice lunch: She's here to out that awful Jan. "She's not a friend," she says before spilling the entire story. Melissa's horrified that she's got her very own Brutus playing both sides of the field in broad daylight, and she doesn't want to believe it at first. This is like friggin' Julius Caeser all over again, except with even worse hair. Melissa does believe, however, that Teresa somehow had something to do with it, since she's always the common denominator in all these vicious talks. "It was Kim D.," Jennifer says knowingly. "She's got it out for you, girl."

Later, Melissa and her adoring husband head out to meet the Lauritas and Wakiles for a drink. Melissa tells them the whole sordid story (though now, she's upgraded Jan to her "best friend" to make things a bit more dramatic), reminding them that Kim D. and Teresa are always around when shit talking hits the fan. "You guys need to get her help, like she's really going crazy now," Jacqueline says, while a vodka helps loosen a few of her screws.

With that, Kim D. and her posse of hags walk in. Rich calls her over and motions for her to sit right down in the lion's den. "I heard about your little outing," Melissa says calmly to Kim D. "[Jan] doesn't like you anymore, and I have not done anything wrong," Kim D. quickly says in defense of herself. Jacqueline throws her napkin at Kim D's head and rambles on like a maniac while everyone else has it out. If Teresa gets committed (like everyone wants), she should really ask to bring Jacqueline along as her +1.

When talking doesn't seem to convince Kim D. that the cheating rumor is bogus, Melissa and Joe resort to swapping spit. "UNBREAKABLE," Melissa says while wiping her face off triumphantly. Their little display of affection may not quash the rumor, but it does get Kim D. to leave, which is a miracle in and of itself. At her age, moving quickly is getting increasingly difficult. She must have on her orthopedic shoes on, 'cause girlfriend hauled ass outta there.

Just when it seemed like there was no more crazy left in the carton, Jennifer manages to squeeze a few more drops out in the last scene of the episode. She must really be gunning for her own Bravo! spin-off, because this is more face time than most guests ever get. She's coming full circle now, having lunch with Teresa.

Clad in white to Teresa's red, it's pretty easy to tell who's about to be in the hot seat. Teresa obviously thinks she's there for wine and whine, but Jennifer quickly cuts to the chase. She admits that she told Melissa everything, and Teresa's face drops. "I want to show some kind of loyalty so she'll trust me and give me her listing," Jennifer says openly. Teresa's worried about saving her own tanned skin, and Jennifer encourages her to get a tighter grip on Kim D's leash. "It's getting turned around on you," she says. Finally, Teresa realizes that the very henchwoman she once used to do her bidding may actually have her own agenda.

We've really learned a lot tonight, dear readers, but there's one thing I feel very compelled to remind you about. Remember: True friends don't let friends wear ponchos and enter into public spaces. If you feel like a close pal has let you down synthetically, please tweet me at @sydneyraylevin. I'm hear to listen.

"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs Sundays at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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Jack Nicholson has said his pro-life stance stems from being born out of wedlock himself. His mother, a showgirl, became pregnant with him as a teenager and was encouraged to have an abortion but did not.

It would be no surprise to see any number of country stars on this list, but Kenny Chesney may have taken his pro-life stance an extra step. His 2003 single "There Goes My Life," about a teenager preparing to become a father, has been lauded as an anti-abortion, pro-fatherhood anthem.

Mel Gibson told Barbara Walters in 1990 that he is opposed to birth control and abortion, saying, "God is the only one who knows how many children we should have, and we should be ready to accept them. One can't decide for oneself who comes into this world and who doesn't. That decision doesn't belong to us."

The Emmy-winning "Everybody Loves Raymond" actress has long been known as an outspoken Republican. In 1998 she became the honorary co-chair of Feminists for Life, a pro-life organization that aims to steer women away from choosing abortion.

Martin Sheen, who portrayed Democratic president Jed Bartlet on "The West Wing," discussed his devout Catholic upbringing and conservative viewpoints on an Irish talk show in 2011. He specifically mentioned being pro-life, but that didn't stop him from telling HuffPo that Mitt Romney is "stupid" and "arrogant."

Before becoming an actor, Ben Stein was a speechwriter for presidents Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford. He's remained a well-known political and economic commentator and in 2003 was honored at the Tenth Annual Proudly Pro-Life Awards Dinner, hosted by the National Right to Life Educational Trust Fund.

Kathy Ireland rose to fame in the 1980s as a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, but, like her political beliefs, much of her work has since been comparatively conservative. In 2011, Ireland was the keynote speaker at the Council for Life's annual luncheon, where she professed her religious beliefs and detailed her journey to becoming a pro-life supporter.

A former atheist, Kirk Cameron famously became a born-again Christian at 17 while starring on "Growing Pains," which he then insisted had plots that were too inappropriate. He's since been an incredibly outspoken Republican, receiving intense backlash from the the Hollywood community in 2012 when he told Piers Morgan that homosexuality is "unnatural ... and ultimately destructive to foundations of civilization." He is currently a member of the evangelical Christian movement and has espoused anti-abortion ideology.

"I really don't believe in abortion," Justin Bieber told Rolling Stone in 2011. "It's like killing a baby." When asked about cases of rape, the pop star said, "Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don't know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that."

Having portrayed Jesus Christ in Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," it seems only appropriate that Jim Caviezel has proclaimed himself to be a devout Catholic. The actor told Catholic Digest in 2009 that being pro-life is more important to him than his career.

Andrea Bocelli first made his pro-life stance public in 2010 when he recorded a video discussing his mother's decision not to have an abortion even though she was encouraged to after coming down with appendicitis while pregnant. “Of course, personally I do not share the idea of being able to interrupt life arbitrarily,” he told The Telegraph in 2011. “But I cannot be the judge of those who decide in a different way. As much as I can, I show them an example and act as a role model, because I believe this is the only way.”

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Lincee Ray: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Danke Schön Germany

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 9, Episode 5 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."

Guten tag, readers. It's week five and you know what that means? ABC foots the bill for the entire show to fly somewhere overseas because "Fill In The Blank Country" is totally the best place to go when you're on a journey to find true love. Here's hoping Desiree can narrow down her search for Mr. Right in Munich. I'm sure there are several stereotypical German scenarios that she will have to maneuver in order to weed out the men who are not here for the right reasons. Let's take a look.

Beer Steins, Polka & Lederhosen ... OH MY!

Chris is the lucky suitor to land the first one-on-one and the date starts off with our love birds trying on Oktoberfest regalia in a local shop. I'm sure Chris will never live down the fact that he has both worn a pair of high heel shoes and rocked a pair of lederhosen in one season, but he's willing to take the licks and will probably write a poem about the experience in his journal. Just as he and Des arrive in the town square to awkwardly polka dance in front of confused towns folk, we spy a creepily acting Bryden among the crowd. He waits for the last breath of the oompah chord to play from the band before rushing over to Des, to steal her away and tell her that he's no longer in it to win it and will be leaving the show. She waves goodbye and celebrates with Chris at ratskeller with an enormous stein of beer. Auf wiedersehen, Bryden. Hello, morning hangover.

Dangerous Snowy Activities

My first clue that the boys received a German swag bag was when the group date card was read and I noticed that they all had on the exact same jewel tone hoodies. Hooray for matching! Then they all showed up on the mountain with the same winter coats and Ray-Bans. Twinkies times six! After a quick yodeling lessons, ABC sends them down a steep mountain on sleds. Ironically, there are no lessons on how to steer or stop these death traps and the next 10 minutes feature our bachelors careening off into the wild blue yonder. One with a camera strapped to his sled even manages to slam right into Des. He thinks she's so cool because she didn't cry. Dude. I think her tear ducts are frozen. She's totally bleeding internally.

Later, Des takes them to a partially underground basement made entirely of snow and ice. There are actual decorated rooms with fluffy throw pillows and turquoise colored champagne glasses. Some idiot lit candles. IN THE ICE HOUSE. I developed a weird case of anxiety just waiting for the dwelling to cave in on itself. It didn't. But things did get hot when Des attacked Brooks in the makeshift snow bedroom. And then she did the same thing later with James. Brooks scored the date rose though. They are definitely front runners. Mikey T. took Des outside to lounge on the side of a snowy mountain before Zak stole her away and thanked her for bringing him back to Germany where he once decided NOT to become a priest. I think it's because he knew his affinity for going shirtless and pantless would more than likely be frowned upon. It's just a guess.

Hot Tugging

Yes. This is a thing. No, I'm not being gross. Apparently, you can fashion a hot tub into a motorized boat and float around in the freezing cold with two people who loathe each other. SIGN ME UP! The Federal Prosecutor is determined to throw Ben under the hot tug. And he does so multiple times during the date. I can understand his "feelings" for Des and his desire to let her know that he is "not here for the right reasons," but to constantly bring up his questionable character and love of his son first on the bench, then in the tug, later at dinner and again in private was a bit much. Instead of punching him in the face, Ben took a walk and Des explained to the Fed that what he was doing was completely uncool. Then she rewarded his horrible behavior by giving him the date rose and sending Ben to the limo where he immediately told the ABC Psychologist that he wasn't going to act sad, but he did want to go get drunk somewhere. Des should have sent them BOTH home.

Wine and Cheese

Drew and #Kasey think that something is up with James, and it has nothing to do with the infinity scarf he sported the majority of the trip, or the random rubbing of Mikey T.'s face and shoulders. They overheard a conversation that had something to do with being the king of Chicago, beautiful rich women and how he is vying to be the next bachelor. Drew calls a meeting of the cool kids (Juan Pablo, Brooks Chris) and let's them know that he will be sharing this newfound information with Des at the next rose ceremony cocktail party. Just kidding! Des decided there wouldn't be a party because she knows that it's time for Mikey to hit the road. Drew doesn't have the kugels to talk to Des now, so James stays for one another week. Mikey T. and his gingham shirt are outta here. The limo takes him to the same bar as the other roseless guy.

What did you think, "Bachelorette" fans? Should Ben have stayed? Was it a surprise that Bryden went home? Will we ever see Juan Pablo on a date? Sound off in the comments. Danke!

For a full recap, visit iHateGreenBeans.com.

"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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Series premieres Wed., May 1 at 8:30 p.m. ET. What To Know: Starring J.K. Simmons and Kyle Bornheimer, "Family Tools" centers on a guy who returns home to take over his dad's hardware business when he finds himself jobless.

Season 10 premieres Wed., May 1 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: This season there will be a "Breaking Bad" themed episode and the crew will tackle myths such as "Are women better than men at multitasking?" and "Which is more sanitary: drying your hands with a hand dryer or a hand towel?"

Series premieres Wed., May 1 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: Hosted by Kal Penn, this reality competition show will give contestants 30 minutes to solve a daunting engineering challenge.

Series premieres Thurs., May 2 at 10:30 p.m. ET. What To Know: The series follows Zach (Bo Burnham), who hires a camera crew to film him throughout his daily life as a part of his quest to become an overnight celebrity – even though he possesses no real talent. From Zach’s attempts to become a celebrity chef or a ring-tone recording artist to purposefully going missing, he’ll try any avenue to get noticed and stop at nothing until he reaches fame.

Series premieres Thurs., May 2 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: For the legions who can't say goodbye to "Jersey Shore" just yet, the legacy continues as we follow GTLer Vinny into his sure-to-be-scintillating home life. The premise has random "celebrities" dropping by his house for impromptu interviews -- and Vinny going to visit their homes, too.

Series premieres Mon., May 6 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: Bravo's new eight-episode docu-series follows four newlywed couples and their most personal moments, from their wedding day to their first anniversary. There's bi-coastal Christian couple Kimberly and Alaska; domestic partners Jeff and Blair, who are 16 years apart; Indian pop star Tina and her modeled-turned-tech-geek husband Tarz; and suburbanites Kathryn and John.

Season 2 premieres Wed., May 8 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Because we're all so fascinated by real estate that we could never realistically afford, this show is returning for a second season. C'mon, it's fun to live vicariously.

Season 6 premieres Thurs., May 9 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: With Season 5 episodes titled "Hillbilly Wipeout," "Gorillas In Our Midst" and "Hotties vs. Nerds 2.0," there can only be more magic in store for Season 6. Viewers of all stripes love watching people hurt themselves in new and remarkable ways.

Series premieres Sun., May 12 at 10:30 p.m. ET. What To Know: "Bridesmaids" funnyman Chris O'Dowd stars in Christopher Guest's ("Best in Show") new documentary-style series about a hapless thirtysomething trying to find meaning in his life by tracing his heritage.

Season 4 premieres Sun., May 12 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: We were hoping that those nails and that hair would be around for another season -- and our wish came true! Theresa Caputo is back, communicating with the dead, for at least another 30 episodes.

Season 2 premieres Sun., May 12 at10 p.m. ET . Where We Left Off: Speculation and accusations about the show’s “reality” aside, “Breaking Amish” was a hit for TLC. Now, the five Amish and Mennonite rebels, who moved to New York City in the show’s first season, are headed south to Florida ... but trouble seems to follow them wherever they go.

Season 2 premieres Thurs., May 9 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: In Season 1, we met the owners and employees of JJK Security in small-town Ringgold, Georgia, and Season 2 will offer more insight into the unscripted lives of this unusual group, including Dennis' ongoing journey in his gender transition from female to male.

Season 10 premieres Tues., May 14 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: After a season of intense competition, Eliana Girard and Chehon Wespi-Tschopp took home first place wins, both for ballet, while Tiffany Maher was the female runner-up for jazz and Cyrus Spencer was the male runner-up for popping/animation.

Series premieres Thurs., May 23 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: Billed as a unique, original approach to the typical cop drama, "Motive" operates backwards. Each episode starts off showing the victim, and then works its way towards finding the perpetrator and his/her motivations by the end of the episode.

Series premieres Mon., May 20 at 8:30 p.m. ET. What To Know: The Fox comedy centers on estranged siblings Henry (Scott Foley), Chloe (Becki Newton) and Jimmy (T.J. Miller) as they attempt to "rediscover their lives" with the money their father left them.

Season 4 premieres Wed., May 22 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: The home cook competition crowned its third consecutive female winner last season, Christine Ha. Cool fact: She is legally blind. No telling what twists they'll have this season.

Season 4 premieres Thurs., May 23 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: The last time we saw the cops at 15 Division, they were all in the midst of making some serious decisions about their lives -- including career calls, a possible transfer and, for Andy, a major emotional choice.

Series premieres Thurs., May 23 at 8 p.m. ET. What To Know: After a near-death experience, Beth (Anne Heche) is revived only to realize she now has a direct line to God. Of course, her husband Tom (Michael Landes) is skeptical and dismissive -- but when inexplicable things begin to happen, everyone’s beliefs are tested.

Season 9 premieres Mon., May 20 at 9 p.m ET. Where We Left Off: Emily Maynard of North Carolina thought she'd finally found love in Jef Holm, but after only being engaged for a short time, they broke up. Here's to hoping "Bachelor" contestant Desiree Hartsock has better luck!

Season 4 premieres Mon., May 26 at 12:01 a.m. PT. Where We Left Off: The Bluths are finally back, but there's no telling where and how we'll actually find them. One thing we do know: Each of the nine main characters will have their own episode in this season's 15-episode order, chronicling what they've been up to the last seven years. Some may cross over, but they'll all be complementary -- and they're all meant to set up an eventual "AD" movie. Considering the season will all be available the day it premieres, it sounds pretty perfect for a marathon viewing.

Season 4 premieres Mon., May 27 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: In the Season 3 finale, Jim (Matt Passmore) proposed to Callie (Kiele Sanchez), even though she passed her board exam and may move to Atlanta. But she didn't respond yet ...

Season 2 premieres Mon., May 27 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Did Walt Longmire murder his wife's killer? Season 1 saw flashbacks of the Sheriff of Absaroka County, Wyoming, that would support the theory, but when the FBI asked him in the Season 1 finale, he simply said, "No."

Season 3 premieres Tues., May 28 at 8 p.m. ET. What To Know: As in the seasons before it, "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition" will center on a group of people losing large amounts of weight over the course of a year through diet and exercise.

Series premieres Tues., May 28 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: The six-part series takes viewers behind the scenes of the Brooklyn District Attorney's office. ADA Kathleen Collins (pictured) is just one of the profiled attorneys. "When you’re on trial, there’s never a day that you really go home and don’t feel stressed," she said.

Series premieres Wed., May 29 at 8 p.m. ET. What To Know: Based on a popular British reality competition, this new Jeff Foxworthy-hosted show features 10 home cooks vying for the title of best amateur baker in America, as well as a contract to publish their own cookbook and a $250,000 grand prize. Not bad for a couple of pies work, huh?

Season 3 premieres Wed., May 29 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Joe married Russian businesswoman Elena, but then she received a call that prompted her to fly back to Russia to testify for one of her innocent colleagues. The Season 2 finale ended with Mel -- who officiated the wedding -- and Joe toasting to the next "Mrs. Longo," wherever she may be.

Season 2 premieres Wed., March 29 at 8:30 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Ben and Riley's friend Katie faced some major drama when they found themselves in bed together after a night of partying. The only problem with their little tryst was that Katie was supposed to get married (to someone else) the next day. Luckily, they soon find out that nothing happened, and Riley and Ben share a romantic dance.

Series premieres Wed., May 29 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: The half-hour comedy clip show, hosted by "Baby Daddy" star Melissa Peterman, features the funniest, most outrageous and memorable dances caught on camera. The dancers from the top two clips of the week compete on stage for a chance to win $10,000.

Season 3 premieres Sun., June 2 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Season 2 ended with Rosie Larsen's Aunt Terry being arrested for her murder. Detectives Linden (Mireille Enos) and Holder (Joel Kinnaman) got a call about a new case, but Linden wanted no part of it. Season 3 picks up a year later, with Holder searching for a runaway girl and discovering a string of murders connected to one of Linden's old cases. Though Linden is no longer a detective, she inevitably gets pulled back in.

Season 5 premieres Sun., June 2 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: The "Housewives" were fractured -- to say the least -- but the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy brings new beginnings for the first ladies of the Garden State. Of course things could certainly go sour yet again.

Series premieres Sun., June 2 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: The reality series follows six college-educated women from affluent areas of Long Island who are still living with their families.

Season 8 premieres Sun., May 20 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Kim and Kanye’s relationship was just breaking the Internet, and now we’ll see it all on screen -- including their baby drama. Khloe’s fertility issues continue, but new “castmember” Brody Jenner -- Bruce’s son from a previous marriage who is no stranger to reality TV -- looks to be this season’s biggest diva.

Series premieres Mon., June 3 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: Soapy drama "Mistresses" stars Alyssa Milano, Yunjin Kim, Rochelle Aytes and Jes Macallan as four friends all struggling with different issues in their love lives, with men (including Jason George) and other women complicating matters. And as the title suggests, some of them are flirting with disaster and becoming mistresses themselves.

Series premieres Mon., June 3 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: This new one-hour drama from executive producer Jennifer Lopez follows a multi-ethnic, blended family, being raised by two working moms, as they welcome another troubled child into their home.

Season 3 premieres Mon., June 3 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: At the end of last season, Allison broke up with Scott, Peter warned Isaac and Derek that a new pack made up entirely of Alpha werewolves was coming, and said Alphas trapped Boyd and Erica in the woods, leaving viewers uncertain of their fate. Season 3 will pick up four months later, and focus on the introduction of the Alpha pack and the havoc they wreak.

Season 2 premieres Mon., June 3 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Throughout Sesaon 1 we got to know Auti, Mia, Tiphany and Chelsie, four women living in Hollywood who also happen to all be in wheelchairs. Season 2 will follow the foursome's new loves and new adventures, including 21-year-old Chelsie's decision to move out of her parents' home.

Season 8 premieres Tues., June 4 at 9 p.m. ET Where We Left Off: Last season, traveling dog act Olate Dogs was crowned the winner. This year, a new crop of performers will compete for the $1 million prize. Spice Girl Mel B. and Heidi Klum join the judging panel with Howie Mandel and Howard Stern.

Season 7 premieres Thursday, June 6 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: In an effort to get more information on Riley, Michael sent Bly to tail her to a meeting with the cartel kingpin, but a cartel member disguised as security blew up Bly's car, killing him and destroying the evidence they collected on Riley. Michael later incapacitated Riley and got her to agree to confess. Then, Fiona, Madeline, Sam and Jesse were released from their prison cells. Michael explained he "did what [he] had to do," but Fiona corrected him, saying, "You did what you wanted to do."

"Graceland" premieres Thurs., June 6 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: This cop drama, starring Daniel Sunjata and Aaron Tveit, follows a special group of law enforcement agents from the FBI, the DEA and U.S. Customs who all live under the same roof in sunny Southern California. Like frat guys (and girls), but with badges.

Series premieres Thurs., June 6 at 8 p.m. ET. What To Know: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is producing this competition series to test the strength, courage and integrity of a diverse group of nine individuals. Each week, the contestants will be challenged physically, mentally and morally as they try to prove that they truly deserve the title of "The Hero" and the life-changing grand prize that goes with it.

Series premieres Thurs., June 6 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: Contestants on this "Survivor"-esque reality show are dropped into the wilderness with only a bottle of water and a GPS device on a mission to find a briefcase filled with $100,000.

Season 2 premieres Fri., June 7 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: According to series lead Rachel Nichols, Season 2 is all about responsibility. Kiera, Alec and even the terrorists at Liber8 all have to make intense choices that could change the very fabric of their worlds.

Season 8 premieres Sun., June 30 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Deb finally learned the truth about Dexter's dark secret, and took a page out of her step-brother's book in the shocking season finale. Can she live with what she did? And can Dexter escape the series without being brought to justice in this final season?

Season 5 premieres Sat., June 8 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Our favorite supernatural threesome is back from across the pond for their fifth and final season where they'll finally confront the Devil, once and for all. No biggie.

Series premiere Sat., June 8 at 9 p.m. ET. What To Know: The 12-episode British series follows the epic sea journey of the flawed hero Sinbad (Elliot Knight), who embarks on a quest to rid himself of a curse and embrace his destiny. Look for "Lost" alum Naveen Andrews as Lord Akbari.

Series premieres Sat., June 8 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: The 13-episode first season follows a team of animal experts and scientists that investigate paranormal events.

Season 3 premieres Sun., June 9 at 10 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Last season ended with the arrival of a new species of alien, and Anne became pregnant with Tom's child. Season 3 will explore whether the new alien is on the side of the humans or has another dark purpose in mind. We'll also learn what happened to Hal while he was unconscious, and what that might mean for the rebellion.

Season 2 summer premiere Mon., June 10 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: "Switched At Birth" left on a big cliffhanger: Daphne struggled to keep the Carlton School for the Deaf open, John's campaign for office came to a startling halt and Emmett told Bay about Daphne and Noah's kiss.

Season 2 premieres Mon., June 10 at 9 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Rusty became a ward of the state to the delight of everybody, and Captain Raydor continued to gain the trust and respect of the Major Crimes unit.

Series premieres Mon., June 10 at 10 p.m. ET. What To Know: Based on author David Baldacci’s bestselling private eye series, Rebecca Romijn and Jon Tenney star as the titular former Secret Service agents now working as private investigators who aren’t always by-the-books.

Season 4 premieres Tues., June 11 at 8 p.m. ET. Where We Left Off: Red Coat, who looked a whole lot like Ali, saved Emily, Aria, Hanna and Mona from a fire, while Spencer looked on in shock. The first episode of Season 4 is titled "A Is For A-L-I-V-E" and E! News reports that viewers will meet Marion, Toby's mother, who was revealed to be dead in Season 3, Episode 18, "Dead To Me." "All of the questions fans have will be answered," star Sasha Pieterse told Wetpaint Entertainment recently of Season 4.

Get Alerts Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 9, Episode 5 of ABC's "The Bachelorette." Guten tag, readers. It's week five and you know what that means? ABC foots the bill for the entire show ... Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 9, Episode 5 of ABC's "The Bachelorette." Guten tag, readers. It's week five and you know what that means? ABC foots the bill for the entire show ...

Heather Wagner: 'Real Housewives Of Orange County' Recap: 100 Episodes Later, They Still Say The Darndest Things

AppId is over the quota
AppId is over the quota

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen "The Real Housewives Of Orange County: 100th Episode Special."

It's a historic day, America. Together, we forged a society in which a humble reality show, initially titled "Behind The Gates," permeated the pop culture consciousness and made it to this milestone 100th episode. To commemorate this dubious occasion, I'm going to recap the anniversary special in a manner that best reveals the bizarre appeal of these women: in their own (grammatically compromised) words.

Without further ado, I present the 100th episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" in 100 sound bites. Woo hoo!

"Holy crap." -Vicki

"He's pretty much keeping me." -Jo on Slade

"Don used to fill up my love tank, and now that love tank is depleted." -Vicki

"Who has a vibrator with a cord?" -Tamra

"These are not fake." -Gretchen

"It takes a tickin' and keeps on lickin'." -Lynne

"I bid $2,500 in order to participate in the 'Housewives.'" -Slade

"I did it for love." -Jo

"I'm trying to make money here, Briana." -Vicki

"It was like an altered state of reality. Where was this place where there was a grotto and moms in bikinis? It was a place I wanted to go." -Andy Cohen

"A good 'Real Housewife' is pretty, she's outspoken, she's opinionated, she has strong feelings about how she lives her life, and how others should live their lives." - Andy Cohen.

"This last season, I have to say, the girls are tools." -Gretchen

"You didn't know if Tamra was a vixen or victim." -Andy Cohen

"Game on. Who is this bitch? I'm going to slash her tires." -Tamra on Jeana

"I was trying to train her how to sell life insurance. The girl sucked at sales." -Vicki on Lauri

"I shaved, I moisturized, I had an avocado peel. I worked out in my underwear. I looked like a douche." - Slade on his first episode

"I literally think for the first months of filming I ate nothing." -Alexis

"They're housewives one day, and the next, they're famous." -Andy Cohen

"You're competing with people in Beijing and Bangalore, and they're not watching the 'Real Housewives'." -President Barack Obama

"Rolex with diamonds. I'm 40. I deserve it!" -Tamra on her birthday gift from Simon

"Rolexes are special, they mean you've made it in life. I have the same one in a different color ... I just don't wear it." -Jeana

"When I showed my [engagement] ring to Jo, she just about fell off her chair. I think she was jealous." -Lauri on her ring

"When the camera gets on, people like to show off their s***. Lauri and George for instance." -Vicki

"I don't want someone with mosquito bites. I want something." - Simon on Tamra, pre-breast enhancement

"My vagina is perfect." -Vicki

"If you weren't doing a short sale, you couldn't sell your house. I went from six cars to one car. Why did I need six cars?" -Jeana

"One of the hardest moments was when Lynne and Frank got served an eviction notice." -Tamra

"That was the worst day of my life. I thought we had money when we didn't." -Lynne on her foreclosure

"Why would you send a family van? You have a little family van! We have six people. Why are you sending a family van for six people?" - Vicki (screaming) to limo company

"Hold on to your daddies, girls, here comes Gretchen!" -Tamra

"It sucks being the new girl, sorry!" -Vicki

"I bet you $8,000 those aren't real boobs." - Jeana to Gretchen

"You're like, dingy." Vicki to Lynne

"Hey, honey -- just cause I'm the new girl, doesn't mean you get to tell me to shut up." - Gretchen to Vicki

"Out of five girls, four of us think you say offensive things sometimes." - Alexis to Vicki

"It's a blowjob helper," - Gretchen showing off a sex toy to Heather
"My God." -Heather in response

"She's everything Alexis wants to be, but isn't. She's elegant, classy, smart, and has real money." -Tamra on Heather

"When you're in it, and someone's screaming at the girl next to her, and she's about to cry, it's freaking real." - Lydia

"Did you go to Bass Lake?" Tamra to Gretchen about frolicking on vacay while her fiancé was in the hospital

"Everyone's constantly stabbing each other in the back. Once you get stabbed, you need a new friend." -Lauri

"To skinny bitches." -Tamra

"We're going to get her naked wasted." Tamra about Gretchen.

"You turn me on." -Gretchen to Tamra's son at the "Naked Wasted" dinner

"Truth is way stranger than fiction." - Andy Cohen

"At the end of the day, we all care about what's going on. We're one dysfunctional effed up family." - Gretchen

"Stay out of our marriage. It's none of your business. I'm done." - Simon to Vicki

"Relax, Vicki. Stop letting him tell you what to think." Gretchen to Vicki re: Brooks
"HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT TO THINK." -Vicki in response

"If you go over 80 [mph], I'm going to slap you and you're not going to drive. I'm going to knock you out, Kara." Jeana, to her daughter Kara, on a road trip to Berkeley

"Cruise control, mom." -Kara

"Relationships, issues, dramas, problems. It explodes." -Heather

"The evil eye wards off evil spirits. Tamra, let me put it on you." -Gretchen

"I'm bored with this. Put yourself together or you can leave." -Heather

"Biatches be cray." -Kara

"It's none of your effing business. Do you understand me? Stay out of my life. This is a letter from my attorney. It's 'cist and decease'!" -Tamra to Jeana

"I'll throw your skinny ass in the pool." - Jeana

"Just because you pop a child out between your legs doesn't give you the God right to be a parent." -Gretchen to Vicki

"You are smoking crack, Vicki. Why are you dating Brooks? He went to jail!" -Gretchen

"At the end of the day, this bird is going to win." - Vicki

"As the production became bigger, our fashion got better, our makeup got better." -Jeana

"I think Vicki burned everything she wore on the first season." -Jeana

"The gold shirt and the brown pants. Burn it." -Vicki

"My fashion is pretty fabulous on the show." -Gretchen

"She takes chances." -Tamra on Gretchen

"The vacation episodes ... the women are all together for an extended period of time. They really have to deal with each other." -Andy Cohen

"We're going to Mexico!" -Vicki

"This is not 'glamping' -- this is full-on camping. There's no ice, there's no counter space for your makeup." -Alexis

"It was my dream come true, my fairytale wedding, with a storybook ending." -Lauri on her marriage to George

"The fact that Gretchen ended up being with Slade and met him through me -- that just violates girl code." -Jo

"The camera forced her to act out and show who she really was."- Slade on Jo

"You're just a bitch. That's rude." -Don to Vicki

"The good thing about his job is he's gone a lot." -Jeana on (now ex-) husband Matt

"I love her so much, but I have to let her go. It's real -- that you need to be without me." -Slade to Jo

"I can't believe we broke up on a couch." -Jo

"I want a respectful wife that acts like she's married." -Simon on Tamra

"I want a divorce. Eff you." -Tamra to Simon

"The kids are what grounded the show. They were the Greek chorus of what the audience was thinking." -Andy Cohen

"Why would you do that to yourself?" -Tamra on her son's full-body tattoo

"Did you just order a martini?" -Lynne to her underage daughter

"If she buys me this car, it will prove that she loves me." -Kara to her mom Jeana

"You're not even divorced and you're dating a guy that has a ton of kids ... he's driving your car around." -Briana to her mom Vicki

"Woo-hoo! Where's the party?" -Vicki surprising her dumbstruck son Ryan at his fraternity house

"I don't know what to say." -Ryan

"The reunions took on a life of their own." -Andy Cohen

"I get chills when I hear the word 'reunion'." -Alexis

"Kill me." -Tamra

"Is your ass jealous of the s*** that comes out of your mouth?" -Tamra to Gretchen

"If everyone says you're dead, it's time to lie down." -Heather to Alexis

"It's about moral character. That's what it's about." -Tamra

"Words hurt." -Lynne

"He's so brilliant that he doesn't have a job" -Tamra regarding Slade

"How does it make you feel to be called a transvestite?" -Andy Cohen to Lauri

"I'm the OC of the OG, or whatever he calls me." -Vicki on Andy Cohen

"At the end of the day, it's all worth it." -Alexis

"I'm pretty sure we're going to hell ... 'Housewife' hell." -Lauri

"It's like you left a little mini-legacy .... minus the French maid outfit." -Jo

"It became a phenome-mon. Phenome ... I can't say that word." -Gretchen

"I'll treasure every one of these moments." -Tamra

"Here's to being us." -Vicki

Well, dear readers, on that note, please tune in to the next episode -- 101 -- next Monday! At the end of the day, I will still be watching, and hope you will do.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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(L-R) Television personalities Gia Giudice, Teresa Giudice, Milania Giudice and Gabriella Giudice attend Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, N.J. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personalities Jacqueline Laurita (L) and Ashley Holmes attend Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personality Jill Zarin attends Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personalities Alex McCord (L) and Simon van Kempen attend Bravo's 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personality Teresa Giudice attends Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

(L-R) Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer attend "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

(L-R) Sonja Morgan, Alex McCord, Ramona Singer, Cindy Barshop and Kelly Killoren Bensimon attend "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

(L-R) Ramona Singer and Avery Singer attend "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

Kelly Killoren Bensimon attends "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

"Real Housewives of NYC" star Sonja Morgan wearing her Cavalli outfit poses for a photo during Roberto Cavalli Celebrates Fashion's Night Out at Roberto Cavalli Boutique on September 10, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Marlin/Getty Images for Roberto Cavalli)

(L-R) Jill Zarin and Bobby Zarin attend the "Real Housewives of New York City" Season 3 premiere party at La Pomme on March 4, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images)

Countess LuAnn de Lesseps attends the "Real Housewives of New York City" Season 3 premiere party at La Pomme on March 4, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images)

Socialite Lisa Vanderpump arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialites Nicky Hilton, Kathy Hilton, Kyle Richards and Kim Richards arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialites Nicky Hilton, Kim Richards and Paris Hilton arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Cast members Camille Grammer, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Lisa Vanderpump and Taylor Armstrong arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Lisa Vanderpump arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Actress Camille Grammer arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Adrienne Maloof arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Kyle Richards arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Taylor Armstrong arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialites Kim Richards, Kathy Hilton, Kyle Richards, Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

(L-R) TV personalities Sheree Whitfield, Lisa Wu Hartwell, NeNe Leakes and Kandi Burruss from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" pose in the press room during the 2009 BET Awards held at the Shrine Auditorium on June 28, 2009 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak arrives at the NBC, Universal Pictures and Focus Features' official after party for the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 11, 2009 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

WASHINGTON, DC - APRIL 28: Caroline Manzo from the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' poses with Ryan Kwanten as they attend the Capitol File's 7th Annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner after party at The Newseum on April 28, 2012 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images)

LAGUNA BEACH, CA - APRIL 21: (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS, EDITORS NOTE: This image has been retouched) Tamra Barney of 'Real Housewives Of Orange County' poses during a photo shoot April 21, 2012 in Laguna Beach, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) TV personalities Taylor Armstrong, Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards and Kim Richards of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills attend the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) TV personalities Ramona Singer, LuAnn de Lesseps, Aviva Drescher, Caroline Radzwill, and Heather Thomson of The Real Housewives of NY attend the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) Alexis Bellino, Vicki Gunvalson, Gretchen Rossi, Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney of Real Housewives of Orange County attend the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) TV personalities Kandi Burruss, Phaedra Parks, Nene Leakes, and Cynthia Bailey of the Real Housewives of Atlanta attends the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

LAGUNA BEACH, CA - APRIL 21: (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS, EDITORS NOTE: This image has been retouched) Tamra Barney of 'Real Housewives Of Orange County' poses with her family during a photo shoot April 21, 2012 in Laguna Beach, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 17: Actress Fran Drescher and 'Real Housewives of New York City' Aviva Drescher attend Fran Drescher new picture book celebration of 'Being Wendy' at Dylan's Candy Bar on November 17, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Amy Sussman/Getty Images for Penguin Young Readers Group)

LAS VEGAS, NV - JUNE 22: Television personalities Camille Grammer (L) and Adrienne Maloof present an award during the 2011 NHL Awards at The Pearl concert theater at the Palms Casino Resort June 22, 2011 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

CHICAGO, IL - SEPTEMBER 08: Kyle Richards of 'The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills' attends Fashion's Night Out celebration at Macy's State Street on September 8, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Timothy Hiatt/Getty Images for Macy's)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: TV personality Phaedra Parks attends the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 27: Heather Thomson is seen on the Streets of Manhattan on January 27, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images)

NEW YORK - APRIL 26: Honoree, fashion designer Heather Thomson (L) and singer Kelly Rowland attend the City of Hope-East End Chapter 2010 Spirit of Life Award luncheon at Waldorf Astoria - Grand Ballroom on April 26, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Gary Gershoff/Getty Images for City of Hope)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 14: TV personalities Jim Bellino and Alexis Bellino arrive to Bravo Media's celebration of the book release of Andy Cohen's 'Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture' at SUR Lounge on May 14, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 14: TV personality Alexis Bellino arrives to Bravo Media's celebration of the book release of Andy Cohen's 'Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture' at SUR Lounge on May 14, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 15: TV personality Gretchen Rossi attends the 2012 Los Angeles Film Festival Premiere of 'People Like Us' at Regal Cinemas L.A. LIVE Stadium 14 on June 15, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jesse Grant/Getty Images)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 14: TV personality Gretchen Rossi (R) arrives to Bravo Media's celebration of the book release of Andy Cohen's 'Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture' at SUR Lounge on May 14, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: TV personality Cynthia Bailey attends the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 15: Cynthia Bailey and Peter Thomas attend the Raul Penaranda fall 2012 fashion show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week at Midtown Loft & Terrace on February 15, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Leigh Vogel/Getty Images)

Follow Heather Wagner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/heatherwag

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Heather Wagner: 'The Real Housewives Of Orange County' recap: 'Chicks and Salsa'

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 8, Episode 12 of Bravo's "Real Housewives of Orange County," titled "Chicks and Salsa."

Hola, friends! Due to my technical difficulties, last week's recap did not get posted. So, before we launch into this week's debauchery, I will quickly recap my recap of Episode 11 ("Dirty Dancing in Mexico"). Because ... the horror.

Andele, Andele!
Our three wobbly amigos Tamra, Vicki, and Lydia break off from the group to hit up Puerto Vallarta party hole Andele's -- replete with a sombrero-clad, donkey-hugging namesake logo. They dance on the bar, do "boob shots" and generally bomb out. Sequestered in the cast limo, Heather and Gretchen discuss Lauri's allegations of Vicki's cheating ways. Heather is typically nonplussed, but both are livid at being ditched by their boozier counterparts.

Back at the Bachelorette Suite
Tamra accurately self-identifies as a "hot mess" as she, Vicki, and Lydia enter the Bachelorette Suite to apologize, their neon mouse ears undermining this sentiment. Gretchen screams at Tamra and tells a giggling Vicki to "F--- off". The next scene reveals our three renegade ladies rolling around in hysterics on Tamra's bed. When Vicki exits, she leaves a little gift behind. Yes, Vicki has peed on Tamra's bed. It's the Gunvalson version of a housekeeping pillow mint, and it's traumatizing on many, many levels.

Hector
Hector the local tour guide dutifully takes the ladies to see various sites, sculptures, and a sad bull fight, as they toast Tamra in phallic fuchsia chalices. The line of demarcation in the limo is very clear: high-fives all around from the previous night's mouse-eared partiers versus peeved, squinting silence from Heather and Gretchen. Everyone whines, snaps, screams at each other, and then starts crying, as Hector nods soberly and, I'd imagine, tries to will himself invisible.

Up At The Villa
Poolside at Villa la Estancia Rivera, everyone raises a margarita, Lydia finally gets her chips and salsa, and Gretchen arrives, looking flawless in a sequined bikini top. She comes bearing gift bags, which Vicki scoffs at, as they likely contain "Gretchen Christine" products. You see, the CEO of "Vicki's Vodka" would never dream of using this show to plug her dubious side projects.

Beach Chair Confessions
Tamra and Gretchen walk down the beach, as Gretchen slut-shames Vicki: "I'm not going to be blamed for the fact that she got caught in Cabo with some other guy, while she was married to Don and seeing Brooks at the same time." In a million seasons, who could have guessed Vicki was a player of this magnitude? Then, in a strange segue, Tamra drops some pretty hardcore backstory about her family involving rape, schizophrenia, abuse, and attempted suicide. This is by far the heaviest conversation ever had on a Puerto Vallarta beach chair, or perhaps on a "Real Housewives" episode to date.

Remember Alexis?
We're back in the OC, as Alexis and her controlling lunk of a husband Jim arrive at a typically understated bôite for dinner. Alexis is wearing a faux chinchilla coat and eye-popping pink dress, and is unfazed that she wasn't invited to the bachelorette fiesta. "You don't need a lot of other stuff in your life if you have a great marriage, because your husband is your first priority," she says, setting feminism back to the Stone Age as Jim Flintstone smugly quaffs his cave wine. Talk of expanding the Bellino family ensues. "Give me that fourth baby," Alexis growls, to which Jim replies, "I'm losing my appetite."

And About Those Mexican Strippers...
Apparently, nothing unites a crowd of contentious premenopausal women like Mexican strippers. But take heed, this is no sleek, toned, expertly choreographed Steven Soderberg-directed affair. Instead, two rubbery males enter in bull fighter capes, strip down to day-glow micro-thongs, rub their "junk" in the women's faces, grind on every available surface, execute a human centipdede of sorts and (ugh, sorry) simulate cunnilingus as Heather sprays Febreeze everywhere.

"I didn't know that Mexican strippers would be crazy," Tamra yells.

And, from these great heights, we arrive on schedule for a safe landing in Coto de Caza for Episode 12, "Chicks and Salsa." Are you ready? I'm not quite sure that I am, but let's move forward, together.

We open on Lydia, rolling down the street in her white Lamborghini, clad in a breezy leopard top, talking to Heather via Bluetooth. They discuss how much they missed their children while in Mexico, but actually, ha ha, not really.

On to business -- Lydia is planning a salsa party because she likes to "party and have fun" and believes that, as the self-appointed "Friend Whisperer," she can bring cast outcast Alexis to the event and unite everyone under the auspices of Latin rhythms and booze. Because that worked so well the last time.

In advance of the salsa party, Heather interviews that she's planning on sitting down with Alexis to have a "mature, hopefully intelligent conversation." Good luck! Undaunted, Heather arrives at yet another manufactured meet-and-greet at a neutral-seeming coffee shop. She orders some "calming chamomile" which I initially hear as "common chamomile." Veblen-esque heh.

Heather and Alexis face off. Each woman's set of cheekbones resembles the icy North Col of Everest. Heather shares that she wants to "elegantly extract" herself from Lydia's salsa party due to the awkwardness between them. Alexis botches an olive branch metaphor. There's some finger-pointing, and finally it all becomes clear: Alexis wants atonement from Heather for her smack talking at last year's "Real Housewives Reunion Special," and Heather just wants to clear the air unapologetically. So they reach a chamomile crossroads.

Next we hop to Gretchen's house, where she talks to her mom about Vicki's "indescrepencies," and shares that her and Slade's current travails have given her a new perspective. And that, no matter what, Slade adores her. Gretchen's mom says that after years of hesitation, she now sees the Slade that Gretchen knows and loves. I have yet to see this Slade but I'll give it up to Gretchen's mom for viewing a silver lining amidst the posturing and hair product.

Exterior shots of Gunvalson Manor. Inside, Vicki's daughter Brianna cuddles her baby Troy, who is wearing a cute but foreshadow-y camo onesie. Indeed, it turns out that Brianna's Marine husband Ryan is going away ... three hours away! To a different combat base. At first I felt skeptical of this military awe-baiting, but as it happens, after his next transfer, he'll be deployed to Afghanistan.

Vicki is, of course, ideally equipped to make a global conflict all about herself, as she tearfully relates that the rest of the country can't possibly comprehend her sacrifice in this moment. Then she tells Ryan to "go get those bad guys" and convincingly cry-interviews goodbye.

"There goes my whole life in a truck," Brianna says, as Ryan drives away. "I want to see him home safe, see his son grow up, see him home with me." My God. Ok. Now I'm crying! Are you happy, Bravo? You win. Bring back the strippers!

As if on cue, we jump cut to Lydia's salsa party. There are heat lamps and crazy-looking succulent plants and stargazer lilies and Lydia's husband Doug is wearing hot pink pants that are perhaps two sizes too snug. There are pineapple mojitos and Frida Kahlo unibrow stick-ons and giant candles and vaguely racially insensitive overtones -- everything these ladies like in a party.

As the fête gets into full swing, our A-list guests arrive: Slade, Gretchen, Lauri, Heather, Terry, Vicki, et al. Slade crassly gives hostess Lydia the nickname "cheeseburger" and whispers to Gretchen that he bets she never eats. Lydia calls Slade out on this, and the "joke," which isn't funny to begin with, becomes progressively less so as Slade tries to rationalize it as a compliment.

As Lydia puts it to Slade in her interview, "Here's five dollars for the douche jar."

Finally Eddie and Tamra arrive, both looking uncharacteristically sexily goth and glowy -- OC reality TV vampires! And then, out of the blue, the dastardly Brooks arrives, bearing a slouchy bouquet of flowers for Vicki. This was clearly set up by the producers despite the obligatory "Terry calls Brooks from the limo" scene, but Vicki seems genuinely shocked.

Everyone gives Brooks the O.C. smoky stink-eye as he dispenses hugs left and right, nodding earnestly in his central-casting Southern Gentleman way. He and Vicki have a heart-to-heart. Brooks assures her with his usual platitudes that she needs to "embrace the happiness every day."

Then, in Shocking Revelations Corner, Tamra and Lauri discuss that Brooks has been "embracing happiness every day" with a friend of Lauri's daughter, a young "porn star and stripper," who, according to Lauri, "gets paid to do some very questionable activities."

Yikes.

Everyone does some hesitant, mildly awkward salsa dancing, everyone except Eddie who works the floor like a boss. "He has the skills to pay the f----ng bills," Tamra interviews. Vicki and Slade dance together. Gretchen and Brooks dance together. Somehow the center holds.

Lydia interviews that she enjoys the "letting loose element of the evening" and they cut to a close-up shot of Eddie, whom I must point out has possibly the largest, ah-hem ... pants protrusion currently available on basic cable.

Lydia then calls Slade out one last time for criticizing her weight and deems Gretchen "Malibu Beach Barbie," a tired metaphor that also seems quite apt. In our final slice from the drama pie, Tamra has invited all the girls to go wedding dress shopping with her, including hot-button cast member Alexis. Gretchen, as you may have gathered (or maybe not, depending on your fluency with insanity) is not cool with this at all. We end, perched indefinitely on this third-time's-the-charm bridal gown cliffhanger.

Lovely readers, next week, in addition to next Monday's episode, we have the 100th Episode Special of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" to look forward to. It is two hours long and promises to be amazing. I hope you will all join me down this primrose path of early morning mimosas, casual dissipation, unnecessary surgery, and glossy lips. Be there!

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra Barney

Tamra Barney

Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra Barney, Heather Dubrow, Gretchen Rossi, Vicki Gunvalson, Alexis Bellino, Lydia McLaughlin

Lydia McLaughlin

Lydia McLaughlin

Heather Dubrow

Heather Dubrow

Gretchen Rossi

Gretchen Rossi

Alexis Bellino

Alexis Bellino

Follow Heather Wagner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/heatherwag

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Lincee Ray: 'The Bachelorette' Recap For Season 9, Episode 3: Who's Here for the Right Reasons?

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Note: Do not read on unless you have seen Season 9, Episode 3 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."

It's Week 3 in Bachelor Nation, people. That means the emotional walls are starting to come down as the testosterone levels begin to rise. This episode features a solo date and not one, but TWO group dates that will inspire even the mellowest of men to channel the competitive spirit he either keeps conveniently tucked away behind a gentlemanly demeanor or blatantly displayed through thick necks and tribal arm band tattoos. Everyone knows that a little friendly competition never hurt anyone (pay no attention to this sentence Brooks). Clearly, there's a simple way to find out who is here for the right reasons: DODGEBALL!

Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive and Dodge
Ten of the guys were chosen to learn the secrets of dodgeball under the tutelage of Patches O'Houlihan at a local junior high school gym. I would have thought there would be an entry-level foam ball that newbies use to practice with at first, but good old Patches went straight for ones that produce wicked burns on any exposed skin that may come in contact with a rubber ball hurling in your general direction.

Harrison arrives to break the news that the 10 guys will be split into two teams of five and will play three games of dodgeball against each other. The winning team will get extra special, very important, alone time with our bachelorette. By the way, they'll be playing in a public place (read: the field where the junior high band practices) and tons of locals have been bribed to come and act excited as if this were an Olympic trial. In keeping with my conspiracy theory that ABC has totally given up that their contestants can muster any real entertainment value, they make the dudes where shorty shorts, knee socks, headbands and red/blue tank tops with white piping around the edges.

Below the radar contestants Drew, Zack and Chris proved to be dodgeball savants. One may have assumed that Mikey T. and the Federal Prosecutor (both on team red) would have a distinct advantage, but their rumbling, tumbling size inhibited them from quickly dipping and diving. They spent most of the games shouting accusations at Villain Ben, basking in the glory of Chris Harrison's presence and shedding their tanks for an afternoon tan on the sidelines. Both insist that they are here for the right reasons and will rue the day and roll the head of anyone who is not.

Brooks also proved that he was here for the right reasons by returning to the group after spending the majority of the day in the hospital with a broken finger. He was tripping on some pretty major pain medicine that caused him to walk around holding his injured hand with the good hand, but Des loved the loopiness and quickly made out with him by the pool. However, it was the dark horse Mortgage Broker Chris who swept Des off her feet and up to the roof who scored the date rose.

We Were on a Break
Since Harrison is obviously here for the right reasons, he feels it's only necessary to interrupt Des' morning sketch time with a quick phone call to inform her that one of the suitors actually has a girlfriend and has been lying this entire time. After the producers present visual confirmation that Brian is neither Brad nor Brandon, or that dude that looks like Don Draper whose name no one seems to recall, she hops into the Bentley to confront him. Brian admits nothing. Harrison waltzes in with Stephanie ... the phantom girlfriend. Really earning his paycheck, Harrison mediates a very loud, high pitched fight between Stephanie (who is here for the right reasons), Brian and a mute Des. Stephanie is super pumped that she decided to wear her tightest pair of black leather pants because this performance is going to be PERFECT for her acting reel.

Brian is clearly "caught" and big Pauly (the same burly man who helped escort Roz from the premises during Harrisongate) helped Brian pick his belongings among the remnants of a disgusting room he shares with other filthy boys.

Worst Date Ever
#Kasey drew the traditional Week 3 one-on-one date that takes place on the side of a building. Typically, one of the two participants are deathly afraid of heights and will use this time to grow closer as a couple because of the death-defying experience they are about to have with one another. This was not the case with Hashtag and Des. This does not mean they jumped off the side with reckless abandonment. No, no. They just sort of walked around, fell down and generally hung there. Once, Des executed a 360 twirl and they both did a back flip. #hoorayforactionsequences

Dinner on the roof proved to be just as vanilla. Just as they were about to discuss how sore their cores were feeling, a random gust of wind simultaneously blew down a potted plant stand, extinguished all 284 candles (#internshoutout) and disheveled the coveted rose until it became limp bud on its silver tray. Des and Hash decide to go swimming because she's tired of her hair flying in her face. Unfortunately, the aggressive wind and the fact that this was filmed in early spring proved to be too much for the pair and numbness began to set in. Piling the beach towel on her head like a turban didn't help. Neither did Hashtag mimicking her and then going in for the most ill timed kiss in the history of this show. They gave up and went inside before their body temperature became dangerously low and the wind still refused to cooperate. #listentoMotherNaturekids

Des felt bad that her entire date was ruined by the Cheater, the lame window walk and the onset of a monsoon. Since Hash was such a great sport, she gave him a pity rose in the stairwell of the building because he was surely here for the right reasons. #gohashtag

Hi-Ho Silver
The section of this recap is brought to you by Disney's "Lone Ranger," coming to a theater near you this July.

I have to say that this was one of my favorite group dates in a long time. Who doesn't love a cowboy, first of all, but I think what I liked most about it was that the guys seemed to genuinely get along with one another. Sure, there was a miniature Cowboy Triathlon competition that would stir the hearts of most guys with a pulse, but this group seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company. Zak was uncomfortable with his shirt on, but that didn't stop him from popping his hip out when he shot his gun. And Dan didn't even break character as his pants split while mounting the horse. Juan Pablo delivered his entire speech to the bad guys in Spanish, and then whispered sweet Latin nothings into Des' ear as he carried her off into the sunset. To no one's surprise, he won some alone time and wisely used his popcorn as "accidental" access to Des' bosom and then took immediate action in order to retrieve a kernel from her cleavage. And she ate it up -- literally and figuratively, because they made out right after that. I'd have to say that the entire cowboy posse was here for the right reasons.

Official Villain Wardrobe
According to Mikey T., the Federal Prosecutor and most of the housemates from next week's coming attractions, Ben is NOT here for the right reasons. His girly tank top gets a pass because it has become the official wardrobe of the resident villain. #jcrewforever

What did you think? Was the cowboy date adorable? Did the right guys go home? Who is your frontrunner? Sound off in the comments.

For a full recap, visit iHateGreenBeans.com.

"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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On Jan. 24, it was officially revealed that Emily Maynard would be the next "Bachelorette," premiering on ABC in the spring of 2012. The 25-year-old former contestant on "The Bachelor" -- who split from Season 15 "Bachelor" Brad Womack in July 2011 -- is the show's first single mom.

The 28-year-old winemaker had his heart broken on "The Bachelorette" when his marriage proposal to Ashley Hebert was rejected during the seventh season finale of the reality series. But he bounded back to become the 16th "Bachelor" and he's currently looking for love on ABC.

This announced their engagement to the world on the Aug. 1, 2011 proposal episode aired on ABC. They are still working on their wedding plans, as of December 2011.

Jason was the runner-up on Season 4 of "The Bachelorette" and then became "The Bachelor" in its 13th season. He proposed to Melissa Rycroft and then revealed that he still loved the runner-up, Molly Malaney. Apparently, he stuck with his second choice: Mesnick and Malaney's wedding aired in a two-hour special called "The Bachelor: Jason and Molly's Wedding" in March 2010.

Melissa Rycroft was the first woman that Jason Mesnick proposed to before ditching her for Molly. (Remember when that drama went down?) She went on to capitalize on being a woman scorned with a contract to be on "Dancing With the Stars," which made her a bit more famous and led to lucrative deals for the sales of photos of her wedding to Tye Strickland and growing family (the couple currently has a one-year-old daughter, Ava Grace Strickland).

For nearly a decade, Trista Rehn has been extending her 15 minutes from her time spent on the debut season of "The Bachelor" in 2002. She next went on to become the first-ever "Bachelorette" and received $1 million from ABC to televise her wedding to firefighter Ryan Sutter. She has since appeared in a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial, a Brad Paisley video and on "Dancing With the Stars." She recently became a quasi-spokeswoman for the permanent birth control, Essure. On a more positive note, she and Sutter have used their fame to promote various causes including the American Heart Association.

Travis Lane Stork, who refused to propose on national television to Sarah Stone, actually put his faux-fame to relative good use by taking a spot on the medical talk show "The Doctors" and writing the diet book, The Lean Belly Prescription.

Vienna Girardi and Jake Pavelka were probably the most fame-whorey of all former "Bachelor" couples -- and we say that with love. Though the couple split up in June 2010, both have found ways to keep their names in the headlines...

Get Alerts Note: Do not read on unless you have seen Season 9, Episode 3 of ABC's "The Bachelorette." It's Week 3 in Bachelor Nation, people. That means the emotional walls are starting to come down as the test... Note: Do not read on unless you have seen Season 9, Episode 3 of ABC's "The Bachelorette." It's Week 3 in Bachelor Nation, people. That means the emotional walls are starting to come down as the test...

Mike Hogan: 'Game Of Thrones' Finale Recap, Season 3: This Changes Everything

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen the Season 3 finale of HBO's "Game of Thrones," titled "Mhysa."

It was inevitable that the Season 3 finale of "Game of Thrones" would feel anticlimactic, not just because last week's Red Wedding was so traumatic, but also because there were so many loose ends to tie up. Yes, Arya and the Hound needed to escape and the Lannisters and Baratheons needed to digest the news that Robb Stark had been killed, but, this being "Game of Thrones," there were also about 12 unrelated story lines that needed advancing.

We needed to know who has been tormenting Theon Greyjoy (answer: Roose Bolton's bastard son) and whether there's any hope at all for the wayward Ironborn lord (there is, now that his sister is setting sail); how Bran and his band of freaks were going to make it past The Wall; what would become of Sam and Gilly once they made it to Castle Black; how Tyrion, Sansa and Shae are managing their ultra-awkward menage a trois; whether Gendry was going to end up donating any more blood to Melisandre's campaign of black magic; what would happen to Jaime and Brienne when they returned to King's Landing; what fresh atrocities have been fermenting in Joffrey's diseased imagination; how the residents of Yunkai were going to respond to Daenerys' non-violent occupation; and, of course, whether Ygritte would make good on her threats when she caught up with Jon Snow (answer: he's lucky he can still reproduce).

Did I leave anything out? Probably. It was that kind of episode. But it wasn't without its overarching themes: familial obligations, resentment of the highborn, the tension between doing the shrewd thing and the right thing, the liberating power of going with your gut. There was also an overarching warning. As Melisandre put it, "This war of five kings means nothing. The true war lies to the north, my king. Death marches on The Wall."

Boy, does it ever. And we're beginning to see how pieces of the puzzle as far afield as Yunkai and Castle Black could someday snap together. If dragonsglass is the only substance that can kill White Walkers, then the armies of the Seven Kingdoms are going to need a lot of it. And if dragons really do play a part in the production of dragonsglass, then Daenerys could prove vital in the struggle against the Others.

But that's just speculation. Let's take a closer look at what happened in tonight's finale.

Who can resist Sandor Clegane's slightly panicked puppy-dog eyes as he navigates the burning encampments outside Walder Frey's castle? The Stark forces are getting crushed and there's nothing to do but haul Arya out of there as fast as possible. Unfortunately, before they escape, Arya is treated to the site of her brother's body being paraded through the camps, his head replaced by that of his beloved dire wolf. "King of the North," the armies chant, jeeringly.

We don't have to imagine what kind of effect this will have on Arya, who, after all, was present for her father's execution not so long ago. When she and Sandor come across a band of Frey soldiers bragging about their participation in the slaughter and subsequent desecration of Robb's corpse, she uses her "Valar Morghulis" coin to lull them into complacency, then brutally stabs the desecrator to death with a knife she lifted from Sandor.

This is new territory for Arya. We saw her ice a stable boy way back when, but that was effectively self-defense. This is a straight-up revenge killing, driven by anger to be sure, but executed with cold-blooded cunning. At least it was done on behalf of her family, and not to achieve some calculated end.

Speaking of calculated, back in King's Landing Arya's sister, Sansa, and her husband, Tyrion, are debating ways to take vengeance on the people who laugh at them. Sansa's idea of "sheep-shifting" them seems pretty tame -- especially when it becomes apparent that she thinks "shift" means "shit" -- but at least the married couple is communicating. What they're not doing is consummating, which is of grave concern to Tywin. I absolutely loved the scene where Tywin sent Joffrey to bed without his supper, as Tyrion put it, and I was relieved to see the whole King's Council recoil at Joffrey's warped fantasy of serving Robb's head to Sansa at his wedding. At this point, even Cersei can't muster the energy to defend her son, though she's holding tight to her memory of him as a happy baby who made her feel as if she had someone just for her.

But I keep waiting in vain for Tywin to take note of Tyrion's shrewd analyses and start treating him with a modicum of respect. I think Tyrion's holding out hope, too, but it ends in humiliation every single time. You can see why Varys thinks the black sheep of House Lannister is the best hope for the Seven Kingdoms, though. Even if he weren't Robb's brother-in-law, Tyrion surely would have chosen to dispatch him in a manner less offensive -- and less liable to spawn a new generation of mortal enemies -- than the Red Wedding massacre.

I enjoyed the scene between Varys and Shae. Ultimately, Varys is probably right that Shae's presence is a danger to Tyrion's well-being, but good for her for refusing to be swept aside. As Daenerys will later tell the Yunkai'i, only you can claim your own freedom. Right?

For all his warg prowess, Bran remains blissfully ignorant of the fate that befell his brother and mother -- and yet the story he told about the Rat Cook certainly suggested that Walder Frey and Roose Bolton are in for a serious karmic reprisal. If you ask me, the Boltons are beginning to rival the Lannisters for the title of Most Repulsive Family in Westeros. Roose isn't kidding when he tells Frey that his bastard has his own way of doing things. Let's hope those ways don't catch on anywhere else. Taunting Theon with that pork sausage, renaming him "Reek," sending that bizarre threat to his father -- the guy's a complete psycho. (Also, whose idea was it to have him use the jarringly clinical term "phantom limb"?)

How priceless were Euron and Asha Greyjoy's faces when they re-enacted "Dick in a Box" with Theon's severed manhood? Also, remind me that I never want to meet George R. R. Martin's father. This dude has daddy issues out the wazoo -- and I'm just glad Asha finally decides to defy Eulon's heartless indifference and set out to rescue her brother, however little he may deserve it.

Like Asha, Ser Davos decides to do the right thing and set Gendry free, after bonding with the unwitting Baratheon heir over their fond memories of shit streams in Flea Bottom. Gendry helps Davos see that his loyal service to the highborn Stannis hasn't served him so well after all, but it's the message from Castle Black that empowers him to save the boy's life. Even Melisandre has to admit that Stannis will need Davos in the coming war against the White Walkers.

News of that war, which promises to reshape every aspect of life in the Seven Kingdoms, comes from a modest source indeed: Samwell Tarly, who is so unassuming that he actually didn't violate his celibacy oath while squiring fertile young Gilly to safety. But even Sam isn't impressed by Bran and his crew of oddballs. If the president of the chess club told you he was going to take down Hitler's army, you'd sound about as confident as Sam does when he asks, "You're gonna stop them?"

Who knows? Maybe they will. In the meantime, Sam will be busy nursing his old friend Jon back to health. Jon is rinsing the talon wounds on his face in a stream when Ygritte catches up with him, and you can tell he's a Stark from the way he reacts. I know I love you. I know you love me. Blah blah blah, wait, why are you shooting arrows at me? Dude, any other show and you'd have been completely safe, but did you see the first season? Or the last episode? Get on your horse and get the hell out of there!

The nice thing about "Game of Thrones," at least, is that arrows aren't enough to kill main characters. So I'm pretty sure Jon will recover from his wounds, even if those scars may linger, Tyrion-style. I'm even confident that he and Ygritte will reunite, maybe after he's expelled from the Night's Watch. God knows he'll never do anything as sensible as lying to the Maester about his sexual history.

I think that brings us to Daenerys, doesn't it? Her tableau outside the gates of Yunkai felt a little over-choreographed, but then she and Ser Jorah are the types to arrange things just so, aren't they? I don't know how many more scenes of liberation this show can get away with, but this one worked for me. I didn't love the crowd-surfing, but I enjoyed the chanting: "Mhysa! Mhysa!" (Pro-tip: this show makes 100-percent more sense when you turn on the closed captioning.) And the aerial view at the end gave me that tingly feeling I look for from "Game of Thrones."

So that's it. The Mother of Dragons marches onward. Winter is coming. But we'll have to wait until next season to see what comes next. It's been a pleasure and a privilege recapping the show with you guys -- thanks for reading and sharing your comments.

Before you go, tell us what you thought of tonight's finale!

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Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Baratheon, Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister, Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Sibel Kekilli as Shae, Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Nathalie Emmanuel as Missandei, Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen

Charles Dance as Tywin Lannister, Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister

Charles Dance as Tywin Lannister

Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Richard Dormer as Beric Dondarrion

Gwendoline Christie as Brienne of Tarth

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Sibel Kekilli as Shae

Alfie Allen as Theon Greyjoy

Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Baratheon, Charles Dance as Tywin Lannister

Dianna Rigg as Olenna Tyrell

Finn Jones as Loras Tyrell, Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Hannah Murray as Gilly

Thomas Brodie Sangster as Jojen Reed

Joe Dempsie as Gendry

Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister

Stephen Dillane as Stannis Baratheon, Kerry Ingram as Shireen Baratheon

John Stahl as Rickard Karstark, Richard Madden as Robb Stark

Paul Kaye as Thoros, Richard Dormer as Beric Dondarrion.

Richard Madden as Robb Stark

Richard Madden as Robb Stark, Oona Chaplin as Talisa Maegyr

Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen

Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen

Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Lannister, Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell

Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen

James Cosmo as Jeor Mormont, Luke McEwan as Rast

John Bradley as Samwell Tarley, Hannah Murray as Gilly

Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen

Conleth Hill as Lord Varys, Diana Rigg as Olenna Redwyne

Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister

Michelle Fairley as Catelyn Stark

Clive Russell as Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jaime Lannister

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister

Nathalie Emmanuel as Missandei, Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen

Esmé Bianco as Ros

Noah Taylor as Locke, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jaime Lannister

Aidan Gillen as Petyr Baelish, Conleith Hill as Lord Varys, Julian Glover as Grand Maester Pycelle

John Bradley as Samwell Tarly

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lanniser, Jerome Flynn as Bronn, and Daniel Portman as Podrick Payne

Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Baratheon, Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell

Carice van Houten as Melisandre

Stephen Dillane as Stannis Baratheon

Ciaran Hinds as Mance Rayder

Follow Mike Hogan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/m1keh0gan

Get Alerts Note: Do NOT read this if you have not yet seen Season 3, Episode 10 of HBO's "Game of Thrones," titled "Mhysa." It was inevitable that tonight's Season 3 finale of "Game of Thrones" would feel inevi... Note: Do NOT read this if you have not yet seen Season 3, Episode 10 of HBO's "Game of Thrones," titled "Mhysa." It was inevitable that tonight's Season 3 finale of "Game of Thrones" would feel inevi...