Heather Wagner: 'Real Housewives Of Orange County' Recap: 100 Episodes Later, They Still Say The Darndest Things

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen "The Real Housewives Of Orange County: 100th Episode Special."

It's a historic day, America. Together, we forged a society in which a humble reality show, initially titled "Behind The Gates," permeated the pop culture consciousness and made it to this milestone 100th episode. To commemorate this dubious occasion, I'm going to recap the anniversary special in a manner that best reveals the bizarre appeal of these women: in their own (grammatically compromised) words.

Without further ado, I present the 100th episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" in 100 sound bites. Woo hoo!

"Holy crap." -Vicki

"He's pretty much keeping me." -Jo on Slade

"Don used to fill up my love tank, and now that love tank is depleted." -Vicki

"Who has a vibrator with a cord?" -Tamra

"These are not fake." -Gretchen

"It takes a tickin' and keeps on lickin'." -Lynne

"I bid $2,500 in order to participate in the 'Housewives.'" -Slade

"I did it for love." -Jo

"I'm trying to make money here, Briana." -Vicki

"It was like an altered state of reality. Where was this place where there was a grotto and moms in bikinis? It was a place I wanted to go." -Andy Cohen

"A good 'Real Housewife' is pretty, she's outspoken, she's opinionated, she has strong feelings about how she lives her life, and how others should live their lives." - Andy Cohen.

"This last season, I have to say, the girls are tools." -Gretchen

"You didn't know if Tamra was a vixen or victim." -Andy Cohen

"Game on. Who is this bitch? I'm going to slash her tires." -Tamra on Jeana

"I was trying to train her how to sell life insurance. The girl sucked at sales." -Vicki on Lauri

"I shaved, I moisturized, I had an avocado peel. I worked out in my underwear. I looked like a douche." - Slade on his first episode

"I literally think for the first months of filming I ate nothing." -Alexis

"They're housewives one day, and the next, they're famous." -Andy Cohen

"You're competing with people in Beijing and Bangalore, and they're not watching the 'Real Housewives'." -President Barack Obama

"Rolex with diamonds. I'm 40. I deserve it!" -Tamra on her birthday gift from Simon

"Rolexes are special, they mean you've made it in life. I have the same one in a different color ... I just don't wear it." -Jeana

"When I showed my [engagement] ring to Jo, she just about fell off her chair. I think she was jealous." -Lauri on her ring

"When the camera gets on, people like to show off their s***. Lauri and George for instance." -Vicki

"I don't want someone with mosquito bites. I want something." - Simon on Tamra, pre-breast enhancement

"My vagina is perfect." -Vicki

"If you weren't doing a short sale, you couldn't sell your house. I went from six cars to one car. Why did I need six cars?" -Jeana

"One of the hardest moments was when Lynne and Frank got served an eviction notice." -Tamra

"That was the worst day of my life. I thought we had money when we didn't." -Lynne on her foreclosure

"Why would you send a family van? You have a little family van! We have six people. Why are you sending a family van for six people?" - Vicki (screaming) to limo company

"Hold on to your daddies, girls, here comes Gretchen!" -Tamra

"It sucks being the new girl, sorry!" -Vicki

"I bet you $8,000 those aren't real boobs." - Jeana to Gretchen

"You're like, dingy." Vicki to Lynne

"Hey, honey -- just cause I'm the new girl, doesn't mean you get to tell me to shut up." - Gretchen to Vicki

"Out of five girls, four of us think you say offensive things sometimes." - Alexis to Vicki

"It's a blowjob helper," - Gretchen showing off a sex toy to Heather
"My God." -Heather in response

"She's everything Alexis wants to be, but isn't. She's elegant, classy, smart, and has real money." -Tamra on Heather

"When you're in it, and someone's screaming at the girl next to her, and she's about to cry, it's freaking real." - Lydia

"Did you go to Bass Lake?" Tamra to Gretchen about frolicking on vacay while her fiancé was in the hospital

"Everyone's constantly stabbing each other in the back. Once you get stabbed, you need a new friend." -Lauri

"To skinny bitches." -Tamra

"We're going to get her naked wasted." Tamra about Gretchen.

"You turn me on." -Gretchen to Tamra's son at the "Naked Wasted" dinner

"Truth is way stranger than fiction." - Andy Cohen

"At the end of the day, we all care about what's going on. We're one dysfunctional effed up family." - Gretchen

"Stay out of our marriage. It's none of your business. I'm done." - Simon to Vicki

"Relax, Vicki. Stop letting him tell you what to think." Gretchen to Vicki re: Brooks
"HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT TO THINK." -Vicki in response

"If you go over 80 [mph], I'm going to slap you and you're not going to drive. I'm going to knock you out, Kara." Jeana, to her daughter Kara, on a road trip to Berkeley

"Cruise control, mom." -Kara

"Relationships, issues, dramas, problems. It explodes." -Heather

"The evil eye wards off evil spirits. Tamra, let me put it on you." -Gretchen

"I'm bored with this. Put yourself together or you can leave." -Heather

"Biatches be cray." -Kara

"It's none of your effing business. Do you understand me? Stay out of my life. This is a letter from my attorney. It's 'cist and decease'!" -Tamra to Jeana

"I'll throw your skinny ass in the pool." - Jeana

"Just because you pop a child out between your legs doesn't give you the God right to be a parent." -Gretchen to Vicki

"You are smoking crack, Vicki. Why are you dating Brooks? He went to jail!" -Gretchen

"At the end of the day, this bird is going to win." - Vicki

"As the production became bigger, our fashion got better, our makeup got better." -Jeana

"I think Vicki burned everything she wore on the first season." -Jeana

"The gold shirt and the brown pants. Burn it." -Vicki

"My fashion is pretty fabulous on the show." -Gretchen

"She takes chances." -Tamra on Gretchen

"The vacation episodes ... the women are all together for an extended period of time. They really have to deal with each other." -Andy Cohen

"We're going to Mexico!" -Vicki

"This is not 'glamping' -- this is full-on camping. There's no ice, there's no counter space for your makeup." -Alexis

"It was my dream come true, my fairytale wedding, with a storybook ending." -Lauri on her marriage to George

"The fact that Gretchen ended up being with Slade and met him through me -- that just violates girl code." -Jo

"The camera forced her to act out and show who she really was."- Slade on Jo

"You're just a bitch. That's rude." -Don to Vicki

"The good thing about his job is he's gone a lot." -Jeana on (now ex-) husband Matt

"I love her so much, but I have to let her go. It's real -- that you need to be without me." -Slade to Jo

"I can't believe we broke up on a couch." -Jo

"I want a respectful wife that acts like she's married." -Simon on Tamra

"I want a divorce. Eff you." -Tamra to Simon

"The kids are what grounded the show. They were the Greek chorus of what the audience was thinking." -Andy Cohen

"Why would you do that to yourself?" -Tamra on her son's full-body tattoo

"Did you just order a martini?" -Lynne to her underage daughter

"If she buys me this car, it will prove that she loves me." -Kara to her mom Jeana

"You're not even divorced and you're dating a guy that has a ton of kids ... he's driving your car around." -Briana to her mom Vicki

"Woo-hoo! Where's the party?" -Vicki surprising her dumbstruck son Ryan at his fraternity house

"I don't know what to say." -Ryan

"The reunions took on a life of their own." -Andy Cohen

"I get chills when I hear the word 'reunion'." -Alexis

"Kill me." -Tamra

"Is your ass jealous of the s*** that comes out of your mouth?" -Tamra to Gretchen

"If everyone says you're dead, it's time to lie down." -Heather to Alexis

"It's about moral character. That's what it's about." -Tamra

"Words hurt." -Lynne

"He's so brilliant that he doesn't have a job" -Tamra regarding Slade

"How does it make you feel to be called a transvestite?" -Andy Cohen to Lauri

"I'm the OC of the OG, or whatever he calls me." -Vicki on Andy Cohen

"At the end of the day, it's all worth it." -Alexis

"I'm pretty sure we're going to hell ... 'Housewife' hell." -Lauri

"It's like you left a little mini-legacy .... minus the French maid outfit." -Jo

"It became a phenome-mon. Phenome ... I can't say that word." -Gretchen

"I'll treasure every one of these moments." -Tamra

"Here's to being us." -Vicki

Well, dear readers, on that note, please tune in to the next episode -- 101 -- next Monday! At the end of the day, I will still be watching, and hope you will do.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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(L-R) Television personalities Gia Giudice, Teresa Giudice, Milania Giudice and Gabriella Giudice attend Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, N.J. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personalities Jacqueline Laurita (L) and Ashley Holmes attend Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personality Jill Zarin attends Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personalities Alex McCord (L) and Simon van Kempen attend Bravo's 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Television personality Teresa Giudice attends Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" season two premiere at The Brownstone on May 3, 2010 in Paterson, New Jersey. (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

(L-R) Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer attend "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

(L-R) Sonja Morgan, Alex McCord, Ramona Singer, Cindy Barshop and Kelly Killoren Bensimon attend "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

(L-R) Ramona Singer and Avery Singer attend "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

Kelly Killoren Bensimon attends "The Real Housewives Of New York City" Season 4 Premiere Party at Covet on April 5, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)

"Real Housewives of NYC" star Sonja Morgan wearing her Cavalli outfit poses for a photo during Roberto Cavalli Celebrates Fashion's Night Out at Roberto Cavalli Boutique on September 10, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Andy Marlin/Getty Images for Roberto Cavalli)

(L-R) Jill Zarin and Bobby Zarin attend the "Real Housewives of New York City" Season 3 premiere party at La Pomme on March 4, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images)

Countess LuAnn de Lesseps attends the "Real Housewives of New York City" Season 3 premiere party at La Pomme on March 4, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images)

Socialite Lisa Vanderpump arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialites Nicky Hilton, Kathy Hilton, Kyle Richards and Kim Richards arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialites Nicky Hilton, Kim Richards and Paris Hilton arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Cast members Camille Grammer, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Lisa Vanderpump and Taylor Armstrong arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Lisa Vanderpump arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Actress Camille Grammer arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Adrienne Maloof arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Kyle Richards arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialite Taylor Armstrong arrives at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Socialites Kim Richards, Kathy Hilton, Kyle Richards, Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton arrive at Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" series party on October 11, 2010 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

(L-R) TV personalities Sheree Whitfield, Lisa Wu Hartwell, NeNe Leakes and Kandi Burruss from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" pose in the press room during the 2009 BET Awards held at the Shrine Auditorium on June 28, 2009 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak arrives at the NBC, Universal Pictures and Focus Features' official after party for the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 11, 2009 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

WASHINGTON, DC - APRIL 28: Caroline Manzo from the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' poses with Ryan Kwanten as they attend the Capitol File's 7th Annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner after party at The Newseum on April 28, 2012 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images)

LAGUNA BEACH, CA - APRIL 21: (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS, EDITORS NOTE: This image has been retouched) Tamra Barney of 'Real Housewives Of Orange County' poses during a photo shoot April 21, 2012 in Laguna Beach, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) TV personalities Taylor Armstrong, Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards and Kim Richards of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills attend the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) TV personalities Ramona Singer, LuAnn de Lesseps, Aviva Drescher, Caroline Radzwill, and Heather Thomson of The Real Housewives of NY attend the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) Alexis Bellino, Vicki Gunvalson, Gretchen Rossi, Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney of Real Housewives of Orange County attend the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: (L-R) TV personalities Kandi Burruss, Phaedra Parks, Nene Leakes, and Cynthia Bailey of the Real Housewives of Atlanta attends the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

LAGUNA BEACH, CA - APRIL 21: (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS, EDITORS NOTE: This image has been retouched) Tamra Barney of 'Real Housewives Of Orange County' poses with her family during a photo shoot April 21, 2012 in Laguna Beach, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 17: Actress Fran Drescher and 'Real Housewives of New York City' Aviva Drescher attend Fran Drescher new picture book celebration of 'Being Wendy' at Dylan's Candy Bar on November 17, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Amy Sussman/Getty Images for Penguin Young Readers Group)

LAS VEGAS, NV - JUNE 22: Television personalities Camille Grammer (L) and Adrienne Maloof present an award during the 2011 NHL Awards at The Pearl concert theater at the Palms Casino Resort June 22, 2011 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

CHICAGO, IL - SEPTEMBER 08: Kyle Richards of 'The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills' attends Fashion's Night Out celebration at Macy's State Street on September 8, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Timothy Hiatt/Getty Images for Macy's)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: TV personality Phaedra Parks attends the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 27: Heather Thomson is seen on the Streets of Manhattan on January 27, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images)

NEW YORK - APRIL 26: Honoree, fashion designer Heather Thomson (L) and singer Kelly Rowland attend the City of Hope-East End Chapter 2010 Spirit of Life Award luncheon at Waldorf Astoria - Grand Ballroom on April 26, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Gary Gershoff/Getty Images for City of Hope)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 14: TV personalities Jim Bellino and Alexis Bellino arrive to Bravo Media's celebration of the book release of Andy Cohen's 'Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture' at SUR Lounge on May 14, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 14: TV personality Alexis Bellino arrives to Bravo Media's celebration of the book release of Andy Cohen's 'Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture' at SUR Lounge on May 14, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 15: TV personality Gretchen Rossi attends the 2012 Los Angeles Film Festival Premiere of 'People Like Us' at Regal Cinemas L.A. LIVE Stadium 14 on June 15, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jesse Grant/Getty Images)

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 14: TV personality Gretchen Rossi (R) arrives to Bravo Media's celebration of the book release of Andy Cohen's 'Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture' at SUR Lounge on May 14, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 04: TV personality Cynthia Bailey attends the Bravo Upfront 2012 at Center 548 on April 4, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 15: Cynthia Bailey and Peter Thomas attend the Raul Penaranda fall 2012 fashion show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week at Midtown Loft & Terrace on February 15, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Leigh Vogel/Getty Images)

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Heather Wagner: 'The Real Housewives Of Orange County' recap: 'Chicks and Salsa'

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 8, Episode 12 of Bravo's "Real Housewives of Orange County," titled "Chicks and Salsa."

Hola, friends! Due to my technical difficulties, last week's recap did not get posted. So, before we launch into this week's debauchery, I will quickly recap my recap of Episode 11 ("Dirty Dancing in Mexico"). Because ... the horror.

Andele, Andele!
Our three wobbly amigos Tamra, Vicki, and Lydia break off from the group to hit up Puerto Vallarta party hole Andele's -- replete with a sombrero-clad, donkey-hugging namesake logo. They dance on the bar, do "boob shots" and generally bomb out. Sequestered in the cast limo, Heather and Gretchen discuss Lauri's allegations of Vicki's cheating ways. Heather is typically nonplussed, but both are livid at being ditched by their boozier counterparts.

Back at the Bachelorette Suite
Tamra accurately self-identifies as a "hot mess" as she, Vicki, and Lydia enter the Bachelorette Suite to apologize, their neon mouse ears undermining this sentiment. Gretchen screams at Tamra and tells a giggling Vicki to "F--- off". The next scene reveals our three renegade ladies rolling around in hysterics on Tamra's bed. When Vicki exits, she leaves a little gift behind. Yes, Vicki has peed on Tamra's bed. It's the Gunvalson version of a housekeeping pillow mint, and it's traumatizing on many, many levels.

Hector
Hector the local tour guide dutifully takes the ladies to see various sites, sculptures, and a sad bull fight, as they toast Tamra in phallic fuchsia chalices. The line of demarcation in the limo is very clear: high-fives all around from the previous night's mouse-eared partiers versus peeved, squinting silence from Heather and Gretchen. Everyone whines, snaps, screams at each other, and then starts crying, as Hector nods soberly and, I'd imagine, tries to will himself invisible.

Up At The Villa
Poolside at Villa la Estancia Rivera, everyone raises a margarita, Lydia finally gets her chips and salsa, and Gretchen arrives, looking flawless in a sequined bikini top. She comes bearing gift bags, which Vicki scoffs at, as they likely contain "Gretchen Christine" products. You see, the CEO of "Vicki's Vodka" would never dream of using this show to plug her dubious side projects.

Beach Chair Confessions
Tamra and Gretchen walk down the beach, as Gretchen slut-shames Vicki: "I'm not going to be blamed for the fact that she got caught in Cabo with some other guy, while she was married to Don and seeing Brooks at the same time." In a million seasons, who could have guessed Vicki was a player of this magnitude? Then, in a strange segue, Tamra drops some pretty hardcore backstory about her family involving rape, schizophrenia, abuse, and attempted suicide. This is by far the heaviest conversation ever had on a Puerto Vallarta beach chair, or perhaps on a "Real Housewives" episode to date.

Remember Alexis?
We're back in the OC, as Alexis and her controlling lunk of a husband Jim arrive at a typically understated bôite for dinner. Alexis is wearing a faux chinchilla coat and eye-popping pink dress, and is unfazed that she wasn't invited to the bachelorette fiesta. "You don't need a lot of other stuff in your life if you have a great marriage, because your husband is your first priority," she says, setting feminism back to the Stone Age as Jim Flintstone smugly quaffs his cave wine. Talk of expanding the Bellino family ensues. "Give me that fourth baby," Alexis growls, to which Jim replies, "I'm losing my appetite."

And About Those Mexican Strippers...
Apparently, nothing unites a crowd of contentious premenopausal women like Mexican strippers. But take heed, this is no sleek, toned, expertly choreographed Steven Soderberg-directed affair. Instead, two rubbery males enter in bull fighter capes, strip down to day-glow micro-thongs, rub their "junk" in the women's faces, grind on every available surface, execute a human centipdede of sorts and (ugh, sorry) simulate cunnilingus as Heather sprays Febreeze everywhere.

"I didn't know that Mexican strippers would be crazy," Tamra yells.

And, from these great heights, we arrive on schedule for a safe landing in Coto de Caza for Episode 12, "Chicks and Salsa." Are you ready? I'm not quite sure that I am, but let's move forward, together.

We open on Lydia, rolling down the street in her white Lamborghini, clad in a breezy leopard top, talking to Heather via Bluetooth. They discuss how much they missed their children while in Mexico, but actually, ha ha, not really.

On to business -- Lydia is planning a salsa party because she likes to "party and have fun" and believes that, as the self-appointed "Friend Whisperer," she can bring cast outcast Alexis to the event and unite everyone under the auspices of Latin rhythms and booze. Because that worked so well the last time.

In advance of the salsa party, Heather interviews that she's planning on sitting down with Alexis to have a "mature, hopefully intelligent conversation." Good luck! Undaunted, Heather arrives at yet another manufactured meet-and-greet at a neutral-seeming coffee shop. She orders some "calming chamomile" which I initially hear as "common chamomile." Veblen-esque heh.

Heather and Alexis face off. Each woman's set of cheekbones resembles the icy North Col of Everest. Heather shares that she wants to "elegantly extract" herself from Lydia's salsa party due to the awkwardness between them. Alexis botches an olive branch metaphor. There's some finger-pointing, and finally it all becomes clear: Alexis wants atonement from Heather for her smack talking at last year's "Real Housewives Reunion Special," and Heather just wants to clear the air unapologetically. So they reach a chamomile crossroads.

Next we hop to Gretchen's house, where she talks to her mom about Vicki's "indescrepencies," and shares that her and Slade's current travails have given her a new perspective. And that, no matter what, Slade adores her. Gretchen's mom says that after years of hesitation, she now sees the Slade that Gretchen knows and loves. I have yet to see this Slade but I'll give it up to Gretchen's mom for viewing a silver lining amidst the posturing and hair product.

Exterior shots of Gunvalson Manor. Inside, Vicki's daughter Brianna cuddles her baby Troy, who is wearing a cute but foreshadow-y camo onesie. Indeed, it turns out that Brianna's Marine husband Ryan is going away ... three hours away! To a different combat base. At first I felt skeptical of this military awe-baiting, but as it happens, after his next transfer, he'll be deployed to Afghanistan.

Vicki is, of course, ideally equipped to make a global conflict all about herself, as she tearfully relates that the rest of the country can't possibly comprehend her sacrifice in this moment. Then she tells Ryan to "go get those bad guys" and convincingly cry-interviews goodbye.

"There goes my whole life in a truck," Brianna says, as Ryan drives away. "I want to see him home safe, see his son grow up, see him home with me." My God. Ok. Now I'm crying! Are you happy, Bravo? You win. Bring back the strippers!

As if on cue, we jump cut to Lydia's salsa party. There are heat lamps and crazy-looking succulent plants and stargazer lilies and Lydia's husband Doug is wearing hot pink pants that are perhaps two sizes too snug. There are pineapple mojitos and Frida Kahlo unibrow stick-ons and giant candles and vaguely racially insensitive overtones -- everything these ladies like in a party.

As the fête gets into full swing, our A-list guests arrive: Slade, Gretchen, Lauri, Heather, Terry, Vicki, et al. Slade crassly gives hostess Lydia the nickname "cheeseburger" and whispers to Gretchen that he bets she never eats. Lydia calls Slade out on this, and the "joke," which isn't funny to begin with, becomes progressively less so as Slade tries to rationalize it as a compliment.

As Lydia puts it to Slade in her interview, "Here's five dollars for the douche jar."

Finally Eddie and Tamra arrive, both looking uncharacteristically sexily goth and glowy -- OC reality TV vampires! And then, out of the blue, the dastardly Brooks arrives, bearing a slouchy bouquet of flowers for Vicki. This was clearly set up by the producers despite the obligatory "Terry calls Brooks from the limo" scene, but Vicki seems genuinely shocked.

Everyone gives Brooks the O.C. smoky stink-eye as he dispenses hugs left and right, nodding earnestly in his central-casting Southern Gentleman way. He and Vicki have a heart-to-heart. Brooks assures her with his usual platitudes that she needs to "embrace the happiness every day."

Then, in Shocking Revelations Corner, Tamra and Lauri discuss that Brooks has been "embracing happiness every day" with a friend of Lauri's daughter, a young "porn star and stripper," who, according to Lauri, "gets paid to do some very questionable activities."

Yikes.

Everyone does some hesitant, mildly awkward salsa dancing, everyone except Eddie who works the floor like a boss. "He has the skills to pay the f----ng bills," Tamra interviews. Vicki and Slade dance together. Gretchen and Brooks dance together. Somehow the center holds.

Lydia interviews that she enjoys the "letting loose element of the evening" and they cut to a close-up shot of Eddie, whom I must point out has possibly the largest, ah-hem ... pants protrusion currently available on basic cable.

Lydia then calls Slade out one last time for criticizing her weight and deems Gretchen "Malibu Beach Barbie," a tired metaphor that also seems quite apt. In our final slice from the drama pie, Tamra has invited all the girls to go wedding dress shopping with her, including hot-button cast member Alexis. Gretchen, as you may have gathered (or maybe not, depending on your fluency with insanity) is not cool with this at all. We end, perched indefinitely on this third-time's-the-charm bridal gown cliffhanger.

Lovely readers, next week, in addition to next Monday's episode, we have the 100th Episode Special of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" to look forward to. It is two hours long and promises to be amazing. I hope you will all join me down this primrose path of early morning mimosas, casual dissipation, unnecessary surgery, and glossy lips. Be there!

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra Barney

Tamra Barney

Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra Barney, Heather Dubrow, Gretchen Rossi, Vicki Gunvalson, Alexis Bellino, Lydia McLaughlin

Lydia McLaughlin

Lydia McLaughlin

Heather Dubrow

Heather Dubrow

Gretchen Rossi

Gretchen Rossi

Alexis Bellino

Alexis Bellino

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Heather Wagner: 'The Real Housewives Of Orange County' Recap: 'Viva Mexico'

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Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 8, Episode 10 of Bravo's "Real Housewives of Orange County," titled "Viva Mexico."

Greetings, Orange County faithful! Alas, I was unable to recap last week's episode as I was hosting Memorial Day festivities at my very own "cohabitation casa" that spun ever-so-gently of control. I wonder if there will be any parallels in this week's "RHOC" episode? Let's find out ...

We begin at Tamra's home, as she gingerly slices some above-average looking cheese and plops some chutney on a cutting board, because guess who's coming to tea? It's Lydia, ditzy and pleasantly bug-eyed as usual, marveling at the "classiness" of Tamra's dark wood floors and goblets of pink lemonade. Then she pointedly inquires about Tamra's fractured relations with Alexis and proposes a sit-down. You see, Lydia is a "friend whisperer," which is code for "ancillary character who desperately needs more screen time."

Before this chaste three-way can occur, we are treated to interior shots of a rhinestone-heavy swimwear showroom. Apparently Gretchen and Heather are there to design a one-of-a-kind bikini for Tamra, just one brushstroke in the M.C. Escher-esque masterpiece that will constitute the Tamra Barney bachelorette party. Beyond the custom beaded bandeau bikini, the getaway destination itself is a closely guarded secret! This way, Tamra will be challenged to pack one suitcase for cold weather and one suitcase for hot. Riddle me this!

[As lucky viewers, we are informed that the actual bachelorette destination is Puerto Vallarta. Nobody can manage to pronounce Puerto Vallarta, which is sad, especially for those of us who grew up watching "The Love Boat."]

Heather and Gretchen then discuss the upcoming itinerary, and Heather throws out the option of a Puerto Vallarta art gallery/upscale restaurant called Café Des Artistes. Gretchen astutely comments that an art gallery would confuse Tamra, and that a venue more conducive to male strippers might be a wiser choice.

They put the dinner issue aside and train their attention on a cream crystal studded bikini for the third-time bachelorette. Gretchen then casually mentions her designer credentials, and that she is "in the fashion industry." Ah-hem. Gretchen is in the fashion industry like I am in the Paris Review for these recaps.

Meanwhile, Alexis wears a giant metal gladiator necklace and a natty pantsuit at what seems to be the "library room" of a deserted steakhouse. Alexis orders a pink greyhound, which is eternally awesome. Vicki shows up, equally overly accessorized, and moans a bit about Tamra's bachelorette party and how she doesn't really want to go through the whole ordeal, because marriage, sob, Vicki is divorced, etc.

Alexis then relates that Tamra has called her "out of the blue" and wants to meet for brunch. Alexis then relates, in one of her more articulate moments, "I'm not nervous, I'm hesitant." She believes there's good in everybody, "at the end of the day."

Hey, from now on, let's all drink any time a cast member says "at the end of the day."

Now we're at the long-awaited confrontation between Tamra and Alexis, with Lydia running interference. They all arrive at a generic outdoor brunch spot. There are stiff hugs all around.

"This is so unlike Tamra," Alexis says of the meet up. "Stranger things really haven't happened." God bless. Lydia orders a Lemon Drop and Tamra explains that she's "impulsive and explosive." She then offers her own muddled mea culpa: "If it is that bad, I want to break the cycle."

Alexis cries and says it was never her intention to cause so much pain. At the end of the day (drink!) she just wants peace. Pledges for a clean slate and hopes for new beginnings are heartily toasted.

Elsewhere, Gretchen arrives at horse stables to meet former cast member Lauri. There's some awkward horse admiring and petting. Gretchen says that Slade once boarded horses at this very stable. She then interviews that Slade had "technically banged" Lauri "one, two or three times."

Lauri more tactfully interviews that she "dated" Slade briefly, but that she's so blissfully married now that it's all water under the horse-y bridge. The talk then turns to Vicki, as it so often does, as Gretchen bemoans Vicki's hypocritical ways --accusing Gretchen of cheating on her racecar driver Jeff (RIP), and deeming Slade a deadbeat dad; when everyone knows that Vicki's current beau Brooks is on Deadbeat Watch, and that Vicki was a rampant cheater as well.

Lauri leans in, her eyes and highlights gleaming in tandem. "The cheating issues -- it's the pot calling the kettle black," she intones. "I have never known Vicki to be with one person. She's just hopping from guy to guy to guy."

Then Lauri explains that while Vicki was married to Don, she went to Greece one year. "She came back with a 'Grecian God.' But when he opened his mouth, he had no teeth," Lauri says. Apparently Vicki offered to buy her Aegean boy-toy a new grill. This is all profoundly disconcerting on its own, but Lauri's just getting started.

"At an insurance convention in New Orleans, I walked in to the hotel and she [Vicki] was in bed with another woman, and they were both in bed with another man."

Dun-dun-dun!

"Whether they were having sex or not, I don't know," Lauri posits. She says she feels vindicated in divulging this dirt because Vicki leaked some damaging info about her husband George's family. Ay, this crew!

Thankfully the producers segue to Heather and Terry, who seem on happy couple cruise control, as they discuss the bachelorette party and the fact that Heather has never seen a stripper, except for Terry, who isn't exactly "Magic Mike." Affable rich couple laughter ensues.

Lydia similarly shares her male stripper rookie status. "I have two boys, dogs, and a husband, I don't need to see any more penises," she says. Heh.

Meanwhile Tamra packs two identical hot pink suitcases, one for snow (Uggs, furry vest), one for sun (bikinis, white tank with "Bride" on it). Tamra explains to Gretchen that her preferred bachelorette party mode is "naked wasted."

At the airport, there's some Vicki-Gretchen penis cup competition, to the visible consternation of the skycaps. Tamra finally rolls up and is gifted her custom bikini and bachelorette sash.

Am I the only one that wonders what happened to the second suitcase?

We move forward to a speeding limo in ... Mexico! "You know the rules in Mexico," Vicki says. "Talk to every Mexican you can." Vicki relates that Puerto Vallarta is her "playground" and that her favorite dive bar, Andele's, is base camp one for "whooping it up." She talks about how the men really "take care of her" there and Gretchen makes one of a series of little swipes about the ever-fraying nature of Vicki's moral fiber.

Lydia then interviews, "We are middle aged women, pillars of the community," as Vicki licks a phallic rainbow lollipop.

Now the girls have made it to their resort. Swaying palms, lovely tile floors, accommodating staff, etc. On Heather's high-class insistence, the crew rolls out to Café Des Artistes. Tamra puzzles over the menu, stymied by marinated pork jowls.

Lydia attempts to order "salsa and chips" but the waiter shakes his head sadly no. The consensus is that this place is way too "French" and dignified for a bunch of 40-something bachelorettes. The group then asks Tamra to reveal her fiancé Eddie's best feature (abs), boxers or briefs (both), his favorite color (black), then Vicki asks "what position does he like?" and the merry momentum of the conversation screeches to a dead halt.

The girls pick at their entrees, complaining they can't handle fish with skin on it, and Gretchen is "scared of the shrimp down here." Vicki wants the group to whoop it up at Andele's. Gretchen has had it.

She interviews, "If you wanted to go to Andele's and (blow-job motion) with the doorman, then do it." Gretchen then says she's not calling Vicki a "slut-whore," even though that's exactly what she's doing, and my hypocrite meter just went off. The table silently regards each other in a mutual south-of-the-border hum of loathing.

"What's next, a yeast infection?" Tamra says. Match point, Tamra.

But, hope springs eternal. Somehow Vicki has shanghaied Tamra and Lydia to Andele's, to do Puerta Vallarta her way. Meanwhile, Left Behind cast members Gretchen and Heather share their consternation at being ditched by their tackier counterparts. We cut to Tamra, Vicki, and Lydia wearing neon mouse ears and stumbling around the Malecon.

I suspect a new anti-Vicki alliance forming here as Gretchen interviews that she wants to "unleash a rash of 'furry' on this b*tch", and Heather's eyes gleam their depths-of-the-grave darkness. Viva Mexico!

Next week, Gretchen might kill Vicki, we learn that Mexican strippers go the extra mile, and Lydia feels she must give up her 'next born child' as penance for ditching the girls. At the end of the day ... I'll be there! And, dear compadres, I hope you will be, too.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra Barney

Tamra Barney

Vicki Gunvalson

Tamra Barney, Heather Dubrow, Gretchen Rossi, Vicki Gunvalson, Alexis Bellino, Lydia McLaughlin

Lydia McLaughlin

Lydia McLaughlin

Heather Dubrow

Heather Dubrow

Gretchen Rossi

Gretchen Rossi

Alexis Bellino

Alexis Bellino

Follow Heather Wagner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/heatherwag

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