Gay Divorce: For Gay Couples, Divorce Equality Is Also A Trial

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(The author is a Reuters contributor. The opinions expressed are his own.)

By Geoff Williams

July 5 (REUTERS) - Gay couples rejoiced last week when the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and cleared the way for federal recognition of same sex-marriages.

They should push for divorce equality, too.

That's something Jason Dottley, a Los Angeles pop singer and actor, would like to see. He filed for divorce in April 2012 from his husband, Del Shores, a film director and playwright. Dottley and Shores married in 2008, a brief time of marriage equality in California.

"People at the courthouse didn't know how to handle the divorce," says Dottley, noting that extra paperwork aimed at same-sex couples dragged the process out for a full year.

At least Dottley and Shores split in a state that had recognized gay marriage. For couples who wed and then move to one of the 37 states that don't recognize it, gay marriage can become something of a trap.

IT'S ALL ABOUT GEOGRAPHY

Divorces, unless they go through appeals and work their way up to a higher court, are always worked out in the state in which a couple lives. So if a state doesn't recognize gay marriage, a gay couple can't divorce there. At least one member of the couple will generally need to move.

That has led to feelings of desperation on the part of cash-strapped couples or those geographically tied because of children, careers and homes.

"I have heard of couples who have filed for divorce by using their first initials on the forms, so the court won't realize they're a same-sex couple and the divorce will be granted, and then when the court does realize it, they take it back, and they're married again," says Carolyn Satenberg, a family law attorney in New York City whose primary focus is on matrimonial issues related to same-sex couples.

DOUBLE, TRIPLE THE COST

"If a couple has been married or together for a long period of time, a gay divorce usually costs double what it does for a heterosexual marriage," says Satenberg. "Having kids triples the cost."

This is true even in states that recognize same-sex marriage, because gay marriage is still a relatively new legal concept. Many gay and lesbian couples have had long relationships - sometimes afforded legal status as civil unions - before they were permitted to marry. So deciding when two partners' commitments to each other began isn't always easy.

A "civil union" in Vermont begun in 2001 is not the same as one in Hawaii begun in 2013, observes Robert Stanley, a family law attorney in Beverly Hills, California. If couples have moved to other states, it gets even more complicated. Even within a state, a couple who legally started a domestic partnership in 1999 in California might have fewer legal rights than a couple that formed one in 2005, when more rights were spelled out.

Courts haven't reached consensus about when a gay couple's legal bond begins, says Stanley. Should it begin when, denied marriage, a couple hold a ceremony for friends and family and declare themselves married, or when they finally register with the state?

In a contentious case involving a lot of assets, there is often more legal work involved in pushing a gay divorce through the courts.

PRENUPS AND POSTNUPS

For gay couples who have yet to walk down the aisle, or married couples who simply want to protect themselves, attorneys say the smartest thing is to plan for a possible divorce.

A pre- or post-nuptial agreement will help if you ultimately split in a state that recognizes gay marriage, but there are no guarantees it will get you anywhere in a state that doesn't.

"It may not be enforceable, but it's advisable," says Julia Swain, a family law attorney in Philadelphia. She recommends the document be crafted under the laws of the state the couple lives in instead of the state where they marry.

Same-sex couples who want to divorce and are living in a state that doesn't recognize gay marriage may be able to stay put if they hire a savvy attorney. But it really comes down to who wields the gavel. Last year, in Columbus, Ohio, one judge granted two gay men a divorce, despite the state's not recognizing same-sex marriage; days earlier, a different judge in the same court refused to approve the divorce of a lesbian couple that lacked legal representation. (Follow us @ReutersMoney or at http://www.reuters.com/finance/personal-finance Editing by Linda Stern and Prudence Crowther)

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In any marriage or long-term relationship, romantic, there are a number of challenges that have the potential to completely destroy your relationship. However, if it is any consolation at all, researchers have observed that there are only four behaviors that, when avoided, greatly improve the chances of long-term health and happiness of their relationship.

Read the full story on psychcentral.com

Dwyane Wade divorce fees could reach $10 million: report

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Dwyane Wade's divorce may be costing him a pretty penny, and not because of the settlement.

According to Gossip Extra, an unnamed lawyer said that Wade's legal fees in his divorce and custody battle could reach as high as $10 million. That's likely in addition to the $5 million a judge recently said he should pay his ex-wife, Siohvaughn Funches-Wade.

Wade and Funches-Wade were married in 2002 and have two sons together, Zion and Zaire. Wade filed for divorce in 2007, and after a lengthy divorce and custody battle, the divorce was finalized in 2010. Wade was awarded sole custody of their kids in 2011, but the custody battle is ongoing.

Check out the video above to hear more about Wade's legal fees, then click through the slideshow below to see more on his divorce and other messy athlete splits.

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Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada's whirlwind 41-day marriage came to an end in August 2012 when Lozada filed for divorce from the former NFL wide receiver. Earlier that month, Johnson reportedly head-butted his now-ex-wife during an argument. "Basketball Wives" star Lozada was hospitalized for a laceration on her head, and Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor domestic violence charges. The following day, the Miami Dolphins announced that they were terminating Johnson's contract. In a possible attempt to win her back, Johnson had Lozada's face tattooed on his right calf. The couple's divorce was finalized on September 19.

NBA star Dwyane Wade's divorce from high school sweetheart Siohvaughn Funches lasted almost four years -- it began in November 2007 and wasn't finalized until June 2010. In May 2010, Funches-Wade filed a lawsuit against Wade's girlfriend, actress Gabrielle Union, for "engag[ing] in sexual foreplay" with Wade in front of their two young children. It was later dismissed by an Illinois judge. She also accused her ex-husband of giving her chlamydia, although sworn witness testimony proved otherwise. In addition to the messy divorce proceedings, the ex-couple was also embroiled in a nasty custody battle over their two sons, Zion and Zaire. Wade was awarded sole custody in March 2011, which his ex-wife later unsuccessfully attempted to appeal. In June 2012, she was arrested for trying to abduct their two children.

In 2009, Tiger Woods made headlines for something other than his golf skills when reports of his numerous extramarital affairs began to surface. First, the National Enquirer published a story about his alleged affair with Rachel Uchitel, a New York nightclub hostess. Days later, Woods was involved in a minor car crash outside of his Florida home which led to widespread speculation about the circumstances of the accident. In the following weeks, roughly a dozen reported mistresses came forward, releasing incriminating voicemails and text messages Woods had sent -- all while married to Elin Nordegren. The ex-couple finalized their divorce in August 2010 after almost six years of marriage. Nordegren walked away with joint custody of their two children and a reported $110 million settlement.

Robin Givens filed for divorce merely eight months after marrying famed heavyweight champion Mike Tyson in February 1988. Both partners accused the other of erratic behavior and abuse: Givens told Barbara Walters that Tyson was manic depressive and that she lived a "life of horror" with the boxer. In divorce papers, she states that Tyson "has throughout our marriage been violent and physically abusive, and prone to unprovoked rages of violence and destruction." In return, Tyson attempted to have their marriage annulled, claiming that he had been subjected to "extreme cruelty" and that Givens had manipulated him into marriage by falsely telling him she was pregnant. Tyson accuses her of waging a "campaign to publicly humiliate [me], strip [me] of [my] manhood and ... dignity and to destroy [my] credibility as a public figure." In the end, Givens received a cool $10 million settlement.

NBA star Jason Kidd and his ex-wife, Joumana, split in January 2007 after 10 years of marriage. In the divorce filing, he accused her of "extreme cruelty" throughout their union. "The defendant's extreme and unwarranted jealousy and rage has left the plaintiff concerned about her emotional stability," the papers say, noting that Joumana had kicked, hit, punched and thrown household items at her husband numerous times. Joumana filed her own lawsuit one month later, in which she portrayed the basketball star as a binge drinking abuser who assaulted her while she was pregnant with the couple's first child. She accused him of engaging in extramarital affairs with television reporters, strippers, a New Jersey Nets season ticket holder (where Kidd had previously played), a Nets employee and a cheerleader. Prior to the dramatic dissolution of their marriage, Kidd was arrested for spousal abuse in January 2001 and pleaded guilty to hitting Joumana.

Alex Rodriguez's ex-wife, Cynthia Scurtis, filed for divorce in July 2008, citing "emotional abandonment" of her and their children in addition to "extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct." The documents were filed several days after the New York Yankees star was linked to Madonna in various media outlets and Scurtis' subsequent trip to visit Lenny Kravitz in his Paris home (she denied anything "improper" happened). Prior to the couple's separation, Rodriguez had been linked to several strippers, playboy models, and prostitutes. In the divorce petition, Scurtis demanded the couple's $12 million Florida estate and an equitable distribution of all assets acquired during their marriage, in addition to alimony and child support. Rodriguez countered that he would only give her what was mandated in their prenuptial agreement. They privately settled their multi-million dollar split in September 2008.

Three days after former MLB pitcher Chuck Finley's ex-wife, Tawny Kitaen, was arrested for attacking him with a stiletto heel, Finley filed for divorce. In the petition and restraining order filed in April 2002, Finley claimed his wife was a suicidal and abusive drug user who poses a danger to their two children. The couple's nanny also filed a declaration, in which she testified that one of the kids frequently asked her, "Is mommy whacked out today?" One month later (and after a stint in rehab for prescription drug addiction), Kitaen fired back with allegations of her own, contending that Finley was a binge drinker, marijuana smoker and illegal steroid user. Since the split, Kitaen has had numerous run-ins with the law, including arrests for drug possession and driving under the influence.

Golfer Greg Norman divorced Laura Andrassy, his wife of 25 years, in May 2006. Though he denied it at the time, Norman was having an affair with then-married tennis player Chris Evert, whom he married merely weeks after their respective divorces were finalized. During the messy divorce proceedings, Andrassy's lawyers accused Norman of cutting off her credit cards and leaving her without income. She eventually received a reported $103 million in the settlement. When Norman's quickie marriage to Evert fell apart 15 months after their nuptials, Andrassy commented, "He made his bed."

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Divorce Advice: 5 Ways To Survive A Split

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By Marina Pearson for YourTango.com

The divorce has been finalized, and you've arrived at the acceptance stage. You think to yourself, "It's all done now! But wait... why do I feel so awful and lost?"

The truth is, many women feel this way post-divorce. All of the support they had is now gone, and they're left to figure out what comes next. This can leave them feeling insecure and depressed. Maybe you feel this way? Having been there myself, I have come up with five ways you can transform the feelings of loss into something positive and make the most of your situation for the future.

1. Do all the things you have always dreamed of. There's no time like the present. Why not take your new free time to do all the things you never got around to when you were married? Make a list of things you wish you had done, and go for it. After my divorce, I started singing again and decided to paint. It brought me a lot of joy, which allowed me to seek joy in the small things -- which, after all, make all the difference.

2. Travel. A change is as good as a rest! I find this to be so true. When I felt lost and scared post-divorce, I decided to take myself to Sri Lanka, which did me a world of good. Travel is an opportunity to meet new people, experience new things, and see how others live -- people who have had different experiences, and perhaps don't have as much as we do. It's an amazing way to create the feeling of well-being, and it tends to put things into perspective.

3. Purchase a new wardrobe. I did this, and it was amazing. Something deep inside of me wanted a massive change, and I felt like a shoot coming out of a seed -- I wanted to pop open! And with that, I threw out all of my black clothes -- which just made me look frumpy -- got myself a stylist and shook it all up! It was an amazing experience. And in doing this, I managed to attract my partner (and we will be getting married soon). He saw the real me for the first time. So chuck out the old to bring in the new!

4. Splurge on yourself. If you spend money on yourself, you will start to feel that you're worth it. I found that doing nice stuff for myself, even though I may not have wanted to at the time, made a really big difference to the way I felt. I would go to a spa or buy myself some roses. I would do the things that my ex used to do for me, so that I could get in touch with what it means to treat myself like my own best friend. Waiting for someone else to do this for us is like saying that you can't do it yourself, which isn't true. So go ahead and do something nice for yourself: Buy yourself dinner, some roses, or even some new earrings.

5. Get the support you need. An important way to move on after divorce is to hang around people that are right for you, who inspire you, and who will take you where you want to go. I believe that you become who you surround yourself with, and I now notice that my circle of friends has completely changed. This philosophy has tremendously helped me to move on. In fact, I don't know about you, but I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, as most of my couple friends didn't want to hang around a single chick!

In short, learn to inspire yourself and become your own best friend by doing lovely things for yourself that will nurture your soul and help you embrace how amazing you really are!

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Divorce Care Package: How To Survive Divorce (And Pregnancy), According To Emma Johnson

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Si nunca hay un momento que necesita una pequeña distracción en tu vida, es durante el proceso de divorcio. Es por ello que lanzamos nuestra serie de Paquete de cuidado de divorcio . Con cada post, le mostraremos qué cosas--libros, películas, recetas, otros ayudaron a aliviar el estrés en el medio de divorcio, con la esperanza de que algunos de sus selecciones servirá bien, demasiado. ¿Quieres compartir lo que superado su divorcio? Envíanos un email a divorce@huffingtonpost.com o tweet @HuffPost divorcio

En su sitio web, madre soltera ricos, escritor y periodista Emma Johnson camina a monoparentales a través de los altibajos de la crianza de los hijos solos, y describe los pasos que se deben adoptar para garantizar sus familias es financieramente seguros. Johnson escribe de la experiencia ganada; después de que su marido sufrió una lesión cerebral, divorció de ella, dejándola con su hija y un niño en el camino.

¿Una historia, derecha? A continuación, Johnson comparte con nosotros las cosas--cotizaciones, Francés productos de repostería y más--que le ayudó a pasar ese período de su vida.

Presentación de la carga

"Es 'Usted puede sobrevivir mucho más de lo que usted piensa que puede'. En las horas más oscuras a veces nos preguntamos si nos se desmenuzará. Pero por supuesto, nosotros no. Pasé por un infierno de un tiempo para un par de años--primero contendiendo con lesión cerebral de mi esposo, al final de mi matrimonio, traer a un bebé al mundo, ingeniárselas para apoyarnos financieramente solo. Pero luego me las arreglé todo eso--y algo más. He encantado yo."

"Una cama nueva. Un año después de mi partida, fui un nuevo colchón y ropa de cama blanca. Mi ex odiaba nada blanco, así nunca recibí mi ropa de sueño, y opté por un chollo Pillow-Top, que encontró demasiado caliente para dormir. Además, hay algo en la limpieza de su espacio de algo tan específico de matrimonio como una cama! Tengo que decir que mi vida citas abrió significativamente después de eso".

"Pain au chocolate. Cuando yo era muy embarazada y a la altura de mi drama familiar, quisiera comer un desayuno saludable y equilibrado con mi hija, le caiga en la guardería y continuar recto a la panadería cerca de mi apartamento para un croissant de chocolate dulce. Cada día probado simplemente tan delicioso como el día anterior".

"Llorando. Durante mi más oscura, más tensionado y pánico en los próximos meses, mantuvo la cabeza fría, sobresalía la mandíbula y se hizo cargo de la empresa. Eso fue durante el día. Después de ir a dormir y cuando fue terminado mi trabajo, yo me refugié en la comodidad insonora de mi cuarto de baño, que se sentó en la tapa de asiento de inodoro, que se derrumbó en mis brazos doblados en el borde del fregadero y rompió a llorar. Cada noche".

"Mis hijos tienen este pequeño libro de fotografía Retratos de Mary Cassatt de mamás y sus hijos. Estas escenas tiernas me recordaron las experiencias potentes, universales de ser una madre--y cómo muchas mujeres han pasado por todas las alegrías y angustia que vienen con la familia. Estas imágenes me ayudó a sentirse menos solos."

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